


One Dark and Perverted Night

by AngelMoonGirl



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comedy, Crack Treated Seriously, Drama, F/F, F/M, Just like Minako, Or maybe you'll end up like Ami, Romance, Sexual Humor, Smut, Suspense, The Godawful Pea Green Jacket, Trapped In A Closet, Truth or Dare, You'll probably piss yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-05-18 09:15:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14850006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelMoonGirl/pseuds/AngelMoonGirl
Summary: The Inners are dared by Haruka to stake out for one night in Mamoru's closet. Never ones to be labelled 'chicken', they accept. Unfortunately, the four find themselves in an awkward position when Usagi shows up with naughty intentions and they're stuck...(What's this? A smutty crackfic with an actual plot!? That's right... with over 600 reviews on FF.net, I promise this one won't disappoint! Written 2009-2010.)





	1. Feet Lickers and Constipated Brunettes

"Truth or dare, Haruka-san?"

Aforementioned sandy-head cocked a brow, appraising her challenger with a coy smirk in place. "Dare."

Ami let out a whooshing breath, but her countenance didn't relax one bit. "Man, now I'm forced to think up a dare. And I had a good truth all ready to go!"

"Wow, doesn't anyone ever want a truth?" Makoto queried, gazing around the table at everyone in askance. So far, of the six Senshi present, not one of them had picked Truth. Either everyone had a terrible secret to hide, or-

"Nah, truths are boring, Mako-chan," Minako replied, arms crossed, lips pursed and apparently trying to pass off an air of wisdom... while failing miserably. "Only Babe Ruth told the truth, and look what happened to him!"

"Ah, I think you mean Abe Lincoln, Minako-chan," Rei snickered, getting the jump on Ami. She rolled her eyes at the blonde as she stood up to slide her bedroom door closed. Twilight had snuck up on the shrine's grounds, and it was accompanied by a chilly zephyr.

"Boy," the obsidian-eyed priestess said as she gazed a fond farewell to the waxing moon, "I wish Usagi could be with us tonight. It'd be so much fun making her do stuff!"

"Yeah. Can you believe she skived off for  _studying_  of all things? I mean, I know the girl's grown up quite a bit since turning eighteen, but...  _studying_? It's like I'm expecting a world catastrophe to occur any moment!" Makoto commented with a laugh. She shook her brown ponytail out in disbelief, then issued a wistful sort of sigh. "I suppose it's to be expected, though. We  _are_  drawing closer and closer to the time of Crystal Tokyo. Something was going to give."

"Yes. I don't imagine she was meant to act that way as Queen," Michiru concurred. The warrior of sea chuckled. "Anyways, we're digressing. Ami-san? I'm dying to watch whatever torment you have in store for our dear Haruka..."

"Oh! Yeah! Errrr... Haruka-san, I dare you to, ah, um... I dare you to... lick the table!"

Haruka grinned as everyone sweat-dropped, hands coming up as one to smack themselves in the face.

"Ami-chaaaaan!"

"What?" the pedantic asked innocently, looking around at them all in shock.

"Ami-chan, a dare's supposed to be  _hard!_  Something the person wouldn't want to do! Jeez, even  _I'd_  lick a table," Rei groaned. "Haruka-san, take pity on her. She's a first time player."

"No, no," Haruka countered nonchalantly, waving her hand. "It's alright, Rei-chan, I'll lick the table..."

" _Haruka_..." Michiru growled, the lone soul brave enough to reprimand the Wind Senshi and get away with it. "That's not very fair to all of us who endured far worse fates. Think of me, calling up the studio and barking, all the while proclaiming how drunk I was?"

"And me, streaking past Yuuichiro's room while screaming my profound and undying love for him," Rei added, cheeks flaring crimson as she recalled her earlier embarrassment... and Yuuichiro's loud wolf-whistle as she fled back to currently debatable safety of the sanctuary.

"So you see, it's not very fair-"

Haruka irritatedly cut Michiru off. "Fine. Fine. Seeing as this group is a bunch of  _wussies_ , Ami-san, give me another. I'm a slave to your whims."

Ami smiled, and there was a baleful glint lurking behind her features. "Okay. Haruka-san, I dare you to lick  _both_ of Rei-chan's feet. Once with her socks on, and once off."

Stunned silence reigned for a full minute as everyone stared at Ami, wondering where their normally sweet and demure friend had gone and who was inhabiting her body. Then Rei choked, "Erm, I changed my mind. Haruka-san can stick with her table."

"Ah, ah, ah," Minako laughed, way more excited for this than she ought to be. "This is her new dare and she has to follow through! Don't complain, Rei-chan, just think- if  _you've_  got it bad, it's ten times worse for Haruka-san!"

Said woman was looking a little green, and she glared at Michiru, currently stifling an uncontrolled bout of giggles with one hand pressed over her mouth. She pulled it away for but a second, coaxing,

"Well? Any time now, Haruka."

Haruka groaned. "Rei-san? Kindly pass me your foot, and let's get this hellish dare over with."

Makoto collapsed into mirth alongside Minako as they watched the tortured exchange take place. The brunette leaned in close. "I bet Haruka-san's wishing it was a kiss instead," she whispered suggestively.

"Ew, gross!" Minako howled, gaining the attention of the room. "Ahhhhh, Mako-chan's... constipated."

Makoto slapped the ditzy girl upside the head. "Thanks, bitch! She's just full of crap, guys... no pun intended. I'm definitely  _not_  (she cringed at the word) constipated."

"Suuuuuuure," the other four crowed.

"Fuck you, Minako-chan," Makoto grumbled, sinking past the table's edge. "Just you wait until it's my turn to dare  _you_..."


	2. Too Much Information

"Oh my God, she did it."

"She licked Rei-chan's sock! THEN her bare foot!"

"Too bad it cost her the contents of her stomach, but-"

The sound of retching was the only noise for a few moments, then the girls started up their giggly banter once more.

"Man, I wish I had a camera."

"I wish I had disinfectant! My foot feels... tingly. The  _bad_  kind of tingly..."

"Maybe Haruka-san's poisonous viper tongue infected Rei-chan!" Makoto exclaimed, highly entertained by her own musings. Rei mimed gagging.

"Oh, Haruka's tongue isn't diseased. Believe me, I could show you some other places her tongue's found and claimed, but they haven't really seen the light of day..."

All eyes turned to accost Michiru, who shrugged in the face of their horror. "Eh, days are lonely, nights are long. What else do you think we did on all those stake outs?"

" _Ewwwww_ , we did not need to know that, Michiru-san!" everyone howled, at the precise moment Haruka made her reappearance. Thankfully, with a much healthier color to her features.

"Mm, much better. No offense Rei-san, but that's not an experience I'd like to relive."

"Believe me, the feeling's mutual," Rei replied, glaring at her foot as if it had committed some terrible umbrage against her. She shivered. Never, ever, ever, ever... well, you get the picture.

"So... what's everyone yelling about?" Haruka inquired, and was nonplussed when the Inners' expressions all flickered into various shades of pink. Oh, if only Chibi-Usa were there. She'd be so proud at how close the hues came to complementing her hair!

"Errrr..."

Yours and Michiru's hot, raunchy, lesbian sex?

Too much information, anyone?

"W-we were talking about... ah... HOW GROSS IT IS THAT MAKO-CHAN IS CONSTIPATED! Oh, my God, you're nasty, Mako-chan!" Minako suddenly supplied in a well-practiced shriek, eyes wide as saucers as she nearly stood in her fanaticism. The overly theatrical teen swirled on poor, stunned, speechless (and rapidly wrathful) Makoto. "NOBODY FRICKIN' WANTS TO KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU TO DO NUMBER TWO!  _Gosh_..."

"That's  _it_!" Makoto screamed, lunging at her friend and going in for the kill- or rather, the hair... Minako's prized possession, as others might dub her perfectly wavy blonde locks. "STOP. TELLING. EVERYONE. I. AM. CONSTIPATED! I'm just  _not_! Have you seen me take a shit lately? Have I  _been_  in the bathroom for very long during my two trips since arriving here? NO!"

Each word was punctuated by a vicious grab at Minako's hair. The effervescent flaxen squealed, barely dodging bodily harm by mere centimeters. She shoved the homicidal brunette off her with great difficulty, then scooted away. Minako threw two hands up in the air; a gesture of I-Understand-You-Could-Break-Me-With-Just-Your-Pinkie-But-Please-Don't-Actually acquiescence. "Okay, okay! Truce! I lied, Mako-chan's not constipated! Just don't touch my precio- er, my hair!"

Makoto surrendered her vendetta, immediately relaxing with a Cheshire grin. "That's all I needed. I won't try to rip your 'precious' out anymore, Gollum."

"I'm confused. If Mako-san's supposed 'constipation' wasn't the subject of your conversation, what was?" asked Haruka, genuinely.

"Don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to, love," Michiru responded, kindly patting her paramour on the shoulder. Haruka pouted.

"But I  _do_  want to know!"

"No," Michiru soothed. "You really, really don't."

Haruka released an ornery puff of air. "Fine. Be mean. Keep secrets from me."

"Okay!" Minako agreed cheerily. "Well, that problem's solved! And now that this misunderstanding is long, long,  _long_  behind us-"

Haruka hacked something that sounded an awful lot like "World Shaking" and "Disembowelment".

"...hopefully to never resurface again... let's continue Truth or Dare! I believe it's my turn to begin, since we've come back full circle-"

"Not so fast, Minako-san," Haruka cut in, the proverbial evil cackle strong in her voice. Oh, revenge would be sweet... "Let's switch up the game-play a little bit... Doing this the normal way has become so  _boring_ , don't you agree? I've got a few  _new_  rules, and if everyone will hear me out, I think it could prove  _far_  more interesting than your usual dare..."


	3. A Band of Whores

Rei looked around at everybody slightly pleadingly- most unfortunately for her, missing the conniving glow in Haruka's eyes in the process.

"Well I don't know about everyone else-" a pause, where the other three Inners gulped at the promise of fire creeping into the miko's expression- "but I'm sick of the original Truth or Dare. Especially when it's always  _me_  being relegated to victim status!"

She chose to leave out the "play it or else", but all present heard the hidden threat hanging in the air. And there was truth to Usagi's favorite 'pyro' insult... Rei was  _scary_  when she got mad. Even Ami fought the urge to crap her pants when met with those burning eyes and that scathing tone!

"Errrr, alright. In light of Rei-chan's... very  _persuasive_... opinion, we'll switch up the rules a little bit," Ami said to Haruka. Best throw some water on those crackling cinders!

"Okay then. I'm going to dare all  _four_ of you to do something, and in return, you can dare Michiru and I to do whatever your sadistic little hearts desire. Fair?" Haruka looked around the room, and there was that evil glint again, playing about her dark irises.

"It... sounds fair," Minako said uncertainly, glancing around at her comrades. "Wanna do it, guys?"

"I'm game," Makoto intoned, eagerly cracking her knuckles. She had a lot of pent up frustrations just aching to be let loose.

"Anything to pay Haruka-san back for having savored my feet," Rei shivered, and the aforementioned sandy-blonde threw up her hands.

"Hey, hey! Take that up with Ami-san, Raven!"

Rei grimaced at the new nickname- though at least it wasn't something god awful like 'Kitten'- and sent telepathic daggers Ami's way. The short-haired erudite blushed, but it was hard to stay mad at such an innocent, inexperienced Truth or Darer.

"Well, well. Looks like they all concur. Haruka, Your Highness of the Sick and Twisted Mind, what dare are you going to bestow on our poor unsuspecting young Senshi?" Michiru inquired, recognizing the devious look on her lover's face. She watched with a lazy smirk as the wheels in Haruka's brain spun up a deliciously salacious scenario.

"I dare the four of you," Haruka began, catching the quartet of Inners with a steady sweep of her eyes, "to stake out for one night in our dear Prince Endymion's closet. WITHOUT being caught. How you get in there is up to you, but I'll be checking up with Mamoru-san the next day to see if anything suspicious occurred. I'm sure finding a few magically endowed adolescents in his closet would be a source of great confusion and query on his part, wouldn't you?"

Silence reigned for a full minute after that disclosure, the Senshi too busy gaping to make any sort of intelligible response. It wasn't until Michiru started laughing deliriously that the spell of shock was broken.

"Yeesh. Lighten up, girls! You're acting as if Haruka's just sentenced you all to death by tar and feathering! It's just a dare... and a pretty easy one if you ask me! I'm sure the  _great Sailor Senshi_  can last a night undercover! Aren't you trained for stealthy espionage? Luna and Artemis would be very disappointed if so simple a task was beyond the capabilities of  _seasoned_  soldiers such as yourselves..." she baited.

"Not to mention if you wuss out now, not only will you be forever labelled as cowardly Sailor Chickens, you'll miss out on the opportunity to dare  _us_!" Haruka nodded, really hoping they wouldn't renege. No, the stories afterward would send her into hysterics for days, she was sure!

Minako whined loudly. "I don't wannaaa be a chicken!"

"Right, because that would definitely pop that fragile little ego of yours," Makoto rolled her eyes at the flaxen.

"B-but," Ami stuttered, staring at Haruka with something akin to horror smeared across her countenance, "what if we see Mamoru-san n-n-naked?"

More quiescence, then Rei's room erupted in raucous, howling mirth. It was a possibility no one had considered until then, and suddenly, it was all they could talk about.

"Oh, Ami-chan! So innocent..." Rei sighed, shaking her head.

"Isn't that sort of the point, Ami-chan?" Minako leered, standing up and prancing about the small bedroom with seductively swaying hips. "Getting to see our Prince in his birthday suit... blackmail Usagi-chan... it's all good!"

"Besides, you can just cover your eyes if you catch sight of something ah, mentally scarring," Makoto sniggered. "We can even warn you if you want."

"Oh, this is gonna be so much fun! Suddenly I'm looking forward to this little dare!" Minako giggled.

Ami just sighed, resting her chin on the crook of her palm.

This was not heading in the proper direction. Not at all.

"Poor Usagi-chan," she mumbled. "A band of immoral, lecherous, whores-for-Senshi behind her. What a great lot we are."

Meanwhile, Makoto and Minako were dancing around the room behind her, playfully taking up a chant.

"We get to see Mamoru-san in his hot-'n'-sexy-birthday-suit! We get to see Mamoru-san in his hot-'n'-sexy-birthday-suit!"


	4. Is It a Felony if You're Friends?

"Could someone... please remind me again... why exactly we're doing this?" Ami- or rather, Sailor Mercury- panted, as the girl lunged from rooftop to rooftop. She spared a thought to how  _hard_  this was, when the drug of pre-battle adrenaline wasn't rushing through her veins, spurring her on. It also didn't help that most of her was pleading to turn back, and nix this stupid undertaking for something much less adventurous and much more bookish... something more within her comfort zone. Oh, but pride was a terrible thing. Pride and that annoying thing called peer pressure. Hand-in-hand they led to her downfall, every time.

"Because," Sailor Mars grunted as she tagged along behind the pedantic, "this is a chance for revenge. And, our two whores back there are giddy at the chance to see the Prince naked!"

Indeed, Sailors Jupiter and Venus were just a little further back, quarreling about something that sounded suspiciously like "Mamoru-san" and "I thought  _you_  were supposed to bring the camera!"

"Hey- Hurry up!" Mars hollered impatiently. "We haven't got all night!"

"Correction," Mercury fairly interrupted. "We do."

Mars just rolled her eyes. The other two lagging behind also scowled, but hastened their pace. Everyone stopped when Azabu Apartments came into view, perching themselves on the edge of a nearby office building. From this vantage point, they could almost see into Mamoru's darkened bedroom. No doubt the man was still hard at work... working. In whatever area he was focusing in now. Venus rallied for modeling, but Mercury disagreed- she believed he was at cram class, studying to become a doctor. And Jupiter had a hankering he was still a waiter, at least until his Masters program was through. Mars just grumbled; she said they'd ask Usagi the All-Knower of All Things Mamoru (except of course his own birthday) later. Right now, she had a much more pressing issue to broach.

"One," Mars scolded, "there will be no cameras involved tonight. Do you know the trouble we'd get into if Usagi ever set eyes on those photos!?"

"But blackmail-" Venus whined, and Jupiter finished eagerly,

"...is fun!"

" _No_. And two, how the  _hell_  are we getting into Mamoru-san's bedroom unseen, might I ask?" This query was directed more at Mercury than anyone else. Mars didn't even want to  _know_  the utterly implausible and undoubtedly filthy ideas her other comrades harbored.

"Well, one possibility is going in through the front, donned as civilians. But, that raises many a question with the doorman. I'm sure he'd bring it up with Mamoru-san if he happened upon four women attempting break-in and entry," Mercury reasoned with her infallibly smooth logic, as she tapped a contemplative finger upon her cheek. The Senshi sighed. This was  _so_  much harder than it had seemed earlier.

Mercury suddenly gasped. "Oh my God!"

" _What_!?" everyone shouted in concern, worried when their friend lost all color. She was gazing with a rather listless look- seeing and not seeing- into their Prince's as yet unpenetrated apartment.

"Is it Mamoru-san?"

"Did he see us?"

"Is he naked?"

"Is it big?"

"Is it hair-"

"Okay, okay, we don't need to get specific!" Mars yowled, covering her ears. "My mental images are growing incredibly graphic!"

"It's just..." Mercury breathed, chewing ravenously on her lip, "we're going to be  _breaking and entering_! That's like... a felony!"

"We're Sailor Senshi, Ami-chan!" Jupiter chuckled, patting her friend on the arm. "We can't be arrested! At least... I don't think we can... Hmm. You know, we need a rule book. Like, 'we save the world's arse every fricking day, so therefore we have carte blanche privileges and cannot be put in jail no matter what the circumstances'... yeah, that'd be sweet, open many a door... heh heh heh heh..." The brunette stared off into space, daydreaming about all the crimes she could commit if her book became a reality. Venus unfortunately took up where the brawny one left off.

"Besides... it's not a felony if we're friends with the guy, right? Mamoru-san wouldn't mind... not  _really_ , at least..."

"Hmph, then you go ask him if we may watch him from the innards of his closet then, and see what his answer is!" Mars sniffed. She turned and bestowed a kindly look on Mercury, assuring her, "Don't worry, Ami-chan. If we get arrested that means Mamoru-san caught us, and if Mamoru-san catches us word will spread to Haruka-san, and I won't let Haruka-san find out so therefore we won't get caught!"

"Well that made little to no sense. And I thought you were the one with premonitory powers?" Jupiter gibed, returning from her inner fantasies with a snort. "Alright. It's high time we stopped wasting moonlight and get into Mamoru-san's closet before he comes home."

"Agreed," Mars said, dragging the still reluctant Mercury along. "We'll use the balcony- safest way- and pick through whatever lock's there. I'm sure Mako-chan knows how-"

"What? You'd assume that of  _me_!?" Jupiter cried, affronted.

"You know I'm right," Mars pointed out, raising her brow.

Jupiter grinned, lifting her shoulders. "Got me there."

"So what other secrets have you been hiding from us, girl?" Venus prodded, eliciting a suspiciously guilty blush from Jupiter.

"Nothing!" she replied, voice just a little too high-pitched to be believable. "I've never been to jail! I'm still a virgin! I- hey, why are you guys coughing and snickering like that! I am a virgin... I am!"

The pronounced hacking behind gloved hands escalated violently.

"Oh, shut up. Enough about me! Let's go commit a felony!" the green-eyed warrior cheered.


	5. Blinded by the Pea Green

One by cautious one, the Inner Senshi leapt onto the balcony of poor, ignorant, unsuspecting Chiba Mamoru. Jupiter grumbled incoherent profanities as Venus shoved her toward the door.

"Work your magic, Mako-chan!"

"It's not magic," the thunder warrior sighed, plucking a stray bobby pin from her hair. "Just logic."

"Logic, magic, it's all the same," Venus waved apathetically, watching as her friend fiddled with the key hole. A few minutes of impatient silence passed, accompanied by the clicking noise of metal scratching against metal. The came the increasingly irate Jupiter's muttering:

"What's with- It should be- I don't get-  _fuck_ , why isn't-"

"Er, Mako-chan," Mercury cut in hesitantly; weakly. As if she were afraid of having her head bitten off... which was of course quite a reasonable assumption. "I think-"

" _Shut up, Ami-chan_! I know what I'm doing! It's just this stupid lock is-"

"Not locked?" the aqua-headed bookworm suggested, reaching out and easily twisting the handle. The glass door swung open eagerly. Mars rather thought that if it had a countenance, it would have been laughing. Perhaps even dying to let loose a snarky insult or two... Jupiter glared daggers at the transparent obstacle for a moment, cheeks the same hue as Mamoru's roses. Then she sniffed disparagingly, shuffling inside with what was left of her dignity. Everyone else followed suit, snickering and mocking the whole way. They found themselves in the middle of Mamoru's sparsely decorated bedroom. Every object was in pristine condition; the bed perfectly, neatly made... hell, even the dust mites were in their place!

Mamoru was lucky he was hot, and a Prince to boot... otherwise the Inners would have been seriously doubting his worth as a significant other by now. Who wanted to date someone so  _boring_?

"Hey, Mako-chan... know what?" Venus, still in hysterics from the failed lock-pick, giggled through her fingers. Jupiter rounded threateningly on the blonde, and she shrunk away, putting a safe couple feet of distance between them. Those wrath-filled emerald orbs looked a little too homicidal to be healthy, you know?

"What?" the brunette ground out, through firmly clenched teeth. Yep. Definitely reviewing the five quickest ways to kidnap, maim, and kill a dumb blonde. Slowly.

"You just admitted to prior criminal experience!"

"I- what? No, I did  _not_!" Jupiter was temporarily surprised out of manslaughter.

"Yeah you did! You said, and I quote, 'I know what I'm doing' to Ami-chan! So... got- _cha_! What else have you been hiding?" Venus exclaimed victoriously, a strange manic gleam in her cerulean depths.

"So? Tons of people know how to pick a lock; that doesn't mean I'm a  _criminal_!" Jupiter rebuffed. "I'm not secreting a felonious past!"

"Have you been to jail?" the orange-clad Sailor interrogated seriously, getting right up in Jupiter's grill.

"No!" the other teen shouted, pushing Venus away. "And you're lucky I'm a tolerant person, because I'm half a breath away from tearing your hair out!"

"NOOOOO! Not me precious locks!" Venus shrieked, running and hiding behind Mercury. "Blatant attempts at intimidation and blackmail, I tell you!"

" _Minako-chan_. For once in your life,  _shut up_! Mamoru-san could show up any minute!" chastised Mars, who alone among the three was actually examining the bedroom. "And..." She de-transformed back into civilian garb, sighing happily. "Ah, much better. Performing espionage in heels is murder." With a haze of planetary colors, everyone else followed suit, then joined the priestess in front of what appeared to be twin wood paneled closets, standing about three feet apart. Now they all teetered on the monumental precipice of decision... which closet were they least likely to be caught in?

Well, there was only one way to find out.

Minako slid open the one in greatest propinquity with the bed. The oak parted to reveal every-day clothing organized right down to matching fabric patterns. Every garment seemed ironed into glorious perfection; not one pair of jeans nor one t-shirt had even the tiniest wrinkle subsisting on it. Minako gagged and slammed the door shut again.

"Ew, too neat! I'd have a bird if that was my closet! In fact, I'm tempted to muss up his work suits... just to make myself feel more at home."

"Well, let's see the ungodly horrors our finicky Prince has hidden behind Mystery Closet Number Two," Makoto said grimly, throwing bare the last door.

Everyone gasped. Then, the lone blonde cried,

"Vomit in my mouth, vomit in my mouth, _vomit-in-my-mouth_!"

"I feel sick," Ami groaned in concurrence, clawing at her eyes of all places though.

"Chocked with nerves to the point where it's affecting your vision, dear Ami-chan?" Rei teased, nudging the blunette.

"No, it's the pea green...  _everywhere_..."

Indeed, the final closet was inhabited with every green jacket Mamoru owned... which apparently, was not just one solo raiment as the girls had previously believed, but a whole colony.

"Maybe they breed," Rei suggested, but she was cut off by Makoto's stricken,

"Gods, it's like he's made a shrine for them!"

Minako clutched her heart and recited solemnly, "Here lives the ugliest color known to man. Once thought nearly extinct, it has been discovered that one Chiba Mamoru-san is in fact hoarding the endangered jackets and attempting to revive their sickly pea hue in the fashion world by means of a secret zoo in his bedroom closet."

Silence followed this statement, then a multitude of snickers.

"Good one, Minako-chan," Ami laughed. "But unfortunately, I think this closet is going to become our nighttime stake-out."

"WHAT!?"

"Well, think about it. This closet is obviously not used as much as the other one. If we hide here, we're far less likely to be found, right?"

The other Senshi groaned.

"I hate to admit it... but she's right," Makoto sighed.

"Do I have permission to burn a couple during our confinement?" Minako whined.

"Interestingly enough... I'm not going to yell at you," Rei replied with a big grin. "Because I really do hate those stupid pea green jackets. And I think we'll all agree that no one will be overly aggrieved- except maybe Mamoru-san- if we see to their demise."

"Yaaaaay, burning party!"

"AFTER the dare ends."

"Aw, you're no fun, Rei-chan."

Just then, the distant sound of a lock becoming unlocked- the legal, non-felonious way- permeated into the bedroom.

"Oh shit," Makoto swore, and her expletive just about summed up all the Senshi's thoughts.

The night was about to get a little more exciting.


	6. Closet Coquettes and Close Calls

"Oh my God, oh my God!" Minako freaked, waving her hands so fast that she was either attempting to fly away or perform some strange new mating ritual. "What do we doooo?"

"The closet," Rei hissed, literally shoving the other three in, then joining them all in one spectacular leap. The closet slammed shut behind them in all the commotion, but hopefully Mamoru was far enough away that he didn't suspect anything. Everyone landed unceremoniously into a pile of- who'da thunked it?- more pea green jackets. Apparently, these were the sorry bunch that hadn't survived past Mamoru's chest... buffening. If that was even a word. Being Tuxedo Kamen- or perhaps just a superhero in general- did wonders to one's physique. Their clothes suffered, but Tokyo's female population certainly did  _not_.

The front door announced a new presence in the apartment with an almighty creak. Heavy footsteps shuffled inward, along with the sound of keys being haphazardly dropped onto a counter. Ami squeezed her eyes shut in terror, and Rei took the opportunity to throw a spare jacket over the girl's blue head.

"We can't be seen," she reminded when the teen started protesting. Minako and Makoto followed suit as their raven-headed friend peeked out through a slit in the door. There was another moment of footfalls, accompanied by rummaging. The quartet heard Mamoru cursing a work-borne headache and muttering something about "remedies". Rei sighed, wishing and not wishing that she could observe what was happening. It was better this way, but ignorance was just so  _frustrating_.

Cabinets opened and slammed. Then, a bottle was uncorked.

"Think he's drinking beer?" Minako whispered interestedly.

"Nah, Mamoru-san? He's more refined than that; I'd wager a bet it's wine," Makoto countered, earning herself a baleful eye from the fire priestess.

"Shh!"

Makoto just rolled her eyes. "We won't have much to worry about if he gets hammered, Rei-chan."

"I never would've imagined Mamoru-san as an alcoholic," Ami added as her two cents, in a teeny voice from beneath the jacket cloaking her. The other three sweatdropped.

"Oh, Ami-chan," Minako sighed.

"Honey, just because people have a drink or two once in a while when they're stressed does not make them an alcoholic," Makoto explained patiently, the merest hint of humor coloring her tone. "Personal experience- some good heavy vodka just calms you right down."

"But- but... that's illegal!" Ami spluttered in squeaky protest. "We're underage!"

"So is breaking and entering, but we've gone over this already," Rei juxtaposed. Ami didn't say anything else after that.

Suddenly, their conversation was snipped short when Mamoru ambled into his bedroom. Rei soundlessly shot away from the slit, cursing fate when Mamoru decided to head, not for his first closet, but the one they were in. Minako and Makoto paled as they shoved themselves deeper into the corner with Ami, the viridian bane of life already secreting them. Unfortunately, no room was left for Rei to squeeze in, so the priestess was stuck jacket-less in the opposite corner. With some prodigious quick-thinking, the guardian of Mars stood up, pressed herself against the wall, and slipped behind a cluster of green. Then prayed feverishly that it would be dark enough Mamoru wouldn't notice her flip-flops betraying her, poking out from underneath all the clothes...

The closet door moaned as Mamoru wrenched it open. No one breathed as he carelessly tossed his current pea colored overcoat in. They all gaped at the half-full wine bottle clutched in his right hand, and the manner in which their friend's paramour divested himself of his jacket. Either he was teetering on the brink of inebriation, or the world was coming to a terrible end... because Mamoru was perhaps one of the neatest individuals ever to walk the earth...

Minako stiffened. Makoto glanced over at her, eyes popping.

Fuck it all, the blonde was about to sneeze!

"Hold it," the brunette mouthed, watching the little battle Minako was engaged in with her nose. It was twitching oddly. Makoto began getting weird visions of bunnies... hopping around... in a field...

_Dammit, now_ she  _wanted some wine! Or vodka... Mm..._

Mamoru yawned, turning around and stumbling back into the kitchen. Without even latching the closet back into place.

Ho. Lee. Shit.

Most definitely, 100%, tipsy. Maybe there  _was_  some truth to Ami's alcoholic theory...?  _Nah_ , Rei brushed it away. He probably just couldn't hold his liquor...

"Is it just me..." Minako hissed, before relieving herself gently with a muffled " _Achoo_!"

"Yes?" Ami prompted, peeking a cerulean eye out.

"Ah, much better. Is it just me, or is Mamoru-san  _really_  hot when he's drunk?" the flaxen-haired virago finished, that lurid look back in her eye.

Everyone groaned.

"God, not again!" Rei lamented, gaze pleading heavenward for an end to this nightmare. "Minako-chan, you flirt with  _anything_  that walks and has a penis! Don't you care that he's taken- lock and key?"

"Hey," Minako whined, observing as the flame maiden crawled over and mutely slid the closet shut again... it wasn't like Mamoru was going to remember in  _his_  state. "That's not nice! I don't flirt with everything that walks and has a penis! 'Cause that would include like...  _animals_  and stuff! And... that's just nasty..."

"Minako-chan, I'd really like to keep dinner where it belongs," Rei lamented, trying to keep her mental images PG as she rubbed her stomach and let out a much aggrieved sigh. If this was seriously what they had to look forward to tonight...

It was as if fate were listening in on her thoughts, because things suddenly did get a  _lot_  more interesting.

The doorbell began ringing, in a most annoying fashion... over and over and over again...

And only one person they knew did that.

Okay, well  _two_ , but one of them was safely at home in the future. So that just left one certain odango who could be calling upon Mamoru at this late hour...


	7. Let's Mead and Make Out

Usagi nervously wound a blonde hair round and round her index finger, occasionally giving it a nibble when her anxiety gave a particularly vicious throb. Did the girls suspect her alibi? Was she missed at the get-together? And...

Was Mamoru even  _home_? She pounded on the doorbell again for good measure. He certainly was taking an abnormally long amount of time... generally the wait for her was- at maximum- only about a minute. And it was already a solid ten seconds past. This was not good. Oh, not good at all. Should she transform; make sure all was well? That Mamoru wasn't bathing in a pool of his own blood? That...  _oh dear god_... he wasn't currently fondling another woman, petting her hair... stroking her-

Oh.

"Hi, Usako," Mamoru greeted after shuffling with the knob, arms mercifully devoid of both crimson and females. Usagi breathed a sigh of relief.

"What took you so long?" the flaxen-haired moon princess whined, marching over the threshold with an ornery disposition about her. She sniffed faux-irritably, subtly glancing around just to make sure a horde of horny coquettes weren't currently ducking behind the furniture or something.

Ooh, if only she knew.

"Did you just hear something?" the civilianized warrior suddenly inquired, freezing. Sounded like...  _Rei's_  voice? She was only imagining things... right?

"No," Mamoru replied, giving her a strange look. Usagi shook it off.  _Definitely going crazy..._

"So... what took so long?"

"I was... pre-occupied," Mamoru mumbled, ears turning pink.

"How?" Usagi asked, suddenly intrigued by the tell-tale blush marring his complexion.

Mamoru stuttered something muffled that sounded a lot like "toilet", then abruptly changed the subject. "Would you care for something to drink?"

Usagi nodded eagerly, traipsing cheerfully in his wake as the last year university student led the way. She cocked an eyebrow after noticing the slight stumble to his usually sure-footed gait.

"Did you start the party without me?" she pouted.

Mamoru laughed heartily. "I only took a few sips... but considering I'm not much of a drinker, I've already got this buzz... my stomach's all warm and my balance isn't quite what it was an hour ago," he chuckled, self-depreciating.

Usagi sighed, shaking her head.

"You're not the only one... but I do have to say, after my couple of accidental run-ins with the hard stuff... I've become rather fond of the taste. It... helps take my mind off things once in a while," she admitted, with a flush. Mamoru paused in the kitchen entryway. He looked vaguely concerned, and wrapped a protective arm round her waist.

"You don't indulge often, I hope?"

"Of course not! Only when I manage to swipe a few swigs from Papa's stores without him noticing. I'm still as much a lush as I've ever been," Usagi snickered. "But it really does help, sometimes."

"I know... I had a rough day at work. But I've also been thinking a lot... about our future... Do you realize how quickly Crystal Tokyo is sneaking up on us?"

Usagi shivered. "I'm elated... but terrified. In most respects, I'm still a normal girl! I haven't had to transform for a whole year, but now suddenly Luna's nagging me about 'royal responsibilities'. I only just got to start enjoying peace! Don't we deserve a little more  _time_?"

Mamoru nodded. "I feel it too. The crushing weight of it all, bearing down. It's hard to believe that in a few years, we'll be head of a kingdom... and  _parents_ to boot... it's just so surreal!"

Usagi twisted into his embrace, reaching up on tiptoe so she could cling to his neck. "I just want time alone with you. To not be worrying about Queenhood, and motherhood... or even exams! Is that so much to ask ruddy fate after all I've done for the world?"

"No," Mamoru said, capturing her lips in a soft kiss. He pulled away, but their hands were still connected at the palms. The ebony-haired twenty-one year old pulled his girlfriend into the humble dining area, currently flooded with warm yellow light. A single window jutted out above his kitchen sink, forecasting the cloudy night sky beyond. The moon tried futilely to peek out from behind a gray cirrus, but the clouds held their own, puffy bodies a precursor to rain and tempests alike. Luckily, a thousand pearly streetlamps from Tokyo took over where the moon failed, providing an artificial luminescence the couple inside detested. Usagi frowned as she watched her mother deity struggle, then faced away from the pane. She watched Mamoru riffle through his cabinets for some wine glasses, then triumphantly produce a bottle of honey mead. He winked, tipping them both a copious amount of the sweet elixir. Usagi giggled at his sloshy smile, wondering if that was what she looked like when she got hammered.

Mamoru passed her the mead, then raised his own glass.

"To life and peace."

"To life and peace!" Usagi crowed, gulping down the liquid with gusto. Mamoru sipped his a little more conservatively, midnight eyes gleaming with humor when Usagi proclaimed her desire for second helpings.

"Take your time," he warned, Usagi off-handedly assuring him that 'she knew, she knew'. He poured the teen another entire glass, then the final dregs into his own half-empty one. Together, they drained the glasses while chatting about the mundane aspects of school and jobs. Usagi was the first to broach the subject of Mamoru's day.

"You said earlier that work was rough," the Moon Princess commented, tracing the glass' rim with her middle finger. She peeked up at his expression from under her long lashes. "And I was just wondering... if maybe you wanted to talk about it...?"

An angry shadow flickered across Mamoru's countenance. "My boss was being, in all fairness, an absolute asshole. I don't normally like to pin that name on anyone... but he fits the description. I caught him making derogatory racist remarks in front of one of our foreign employees. And get this- an hour later, he had to give a talk on the importance of recognizing and appreciating office diversity! Apparently it was 'so well done', the execs gave him a  _bonus_ , which he was sure to flaunt to anyone who would listen!" Mamoru scoffed, before taking a heavy swig as if to ease his frustrations.

Usagi, who'd been leaning across the table in rapt attention, shouted: "That DICK!"

Mamoru spit out the mouthful he'd been seconds away from swallowing, the liquor spraying all over his clean counter top. He began roaring with laughter, stirred into even greater hysterics at the surprised look Usagi wore.

"M-Mamo-chan?"

"Y-you... you... how'd you know that?"

"What?"

" _Dick_ ," Mamoru snickered. "I never in a million years would've imagined you to know language like that..."

 _Actually, I overheard Mako-chan use that phrase_ , Usagi thought smugly, but the mead was curling pleasantly in her belly now and she decided to play this to her advantage.

"There are a lot of surprises when it comes to me," the flaxen almost purred, sidling around to suggestively rub up against Mamoru's knees. The handsome superhero gulped in his seat.  _Uh oh_. Did she  _know_  how much it turned him on when she swung her hips all seductively like that?

"Usako," Mamoru said in a husky, throaty voice. He set down his beverage, catching her roaming hands in his. "What are you doing?"

"Me? Nothing," Usagi grinned, all coy and innocence as she lifted her hands and took a deliberate step back. Mamoru suddenly felt a hollow emptiness as he lost the warmth of her body up against his, definitely- oh,  _most definitely_ \- hornier than before she initiated her teasing. And the little vixen probably knew that, what with the way she was so hungrily appraising him.

Mamoru groaned, the alcohol and hormones and her  _tight_  fitting sundress he hadn't noticed so acutely until now, all surely conspiring to drive him wild.

He knew exactly what she wanted. She'd confessed her intentions before, the growing desires that came with burgeoning adulthood, and Mamoru sympathized. Not a day went by where he did not want to throw her down on his bed and make senseless love to her...

Yet something had always held him back. She was always too young; they were going to wait until after they got married...

But she wasn't so young anymore, was she. Eighteen was old enough to be married, to declare emancipation even, and suddenly... the idea didn't seem so taboo anymore.

Mamoru made a split-second decision right then, his impaired judgment spurring him into action, or maybe it was just years and years of inaction about to boil over. He stood up, cautiously sauntering over to the waiting eighteen-year-old. She graced him with a crooked smile, hesitating for a heartbeat to decipher his new expression. Somewhere in the back of her mind she could register yet more muffled noises, originating from an area within the vicinity. She doubted Mamoru was even paying attention; it seemed both cerulean eyes were greedily feasting on her visage, no doubt wondering what was the best way to suck her lips off. Still, she couldn't help but ask,

"Are you sure you don't hear something?"

"I- wha...?"

She took that as a no.

"I swear I'm going crazy, Mamo-chan," the Princess giggled, closing the gap between their skin.  _Oh, curse this damn clothing_!

"Am I making you crazy?" Mamoru whispered, a lusty lilt to his tone that made Usagi's knees feel watery and weak. He began a maddening dance, sensuously rubbing and grinding his abdomen against Usagi, ravaging her midriff. She let out a tiny moan, a mere puff of air, hardly able to grasp the eloquence of words as she felt him hardening, and knew- it was her, doing this to him. The knowledge gave her a strange power.

"Quite," the blonde gasped.

She found that if she arched her hips upward just a little more... guided by Mamoru's firm clamp on her buttocks... then he was able to drag himself across her most sensitive spot. And  _that_  was something else entirely. Usagi felt electricity race across all regions of her fevered body as somewhere in her brain, pyrotechnics went off. She panted harshly in pure pleasure, only vaguely cogent enough to hear Mamoru moan similarly. He wrenched her up off the ground, backing them into a wall as Usagi wrapped her legs around his waist in a vice-like straddle.

"Now am I making you as crazy as you are me?" Usagi breathed into his ear, nibbling ecstatically on the soft skin there.

Mamoru groaned, pushing his throbbing erection against her again and again as she began delicately trembling in arousal. "You have  _no_  idea."


	8. Ami Mizuno, Cover Your Ears!

Every Inner Senshi's eye bulged as the voice of one Tsukino Usagi- Miss "I'm too busy studying to come to the sleepover"- proceeded her obnoxious doorbell fetish.

"What took you so long?" she was whining. Ami wrung her hands as she watched Rei's countenance burgeon through every color of the rainbow. That couldn't be healthy, right?

"Ah... Rei-chan..."

"That. Little. Liar! She skived seeing us for  _him_!" Rei hissed, voice rising uncontrollably by the end of her rant. Minako and Makoto stuffed a pea green jacket into her furiously open mouth. The priestess choked for a few seconds on the ugly fabric while her friends reprimanded the raven head for her outburst.

" _Shh_! She'll hear, you idiot!" Makoto warned. It was awfully quiet out in the entrance hall... had Usagi and Mamoru...?

"So... what took so long?" Usagi repeated, and all closet dwellers breathed a sigh of relief. Silence was never a good sign when one happened to be illegally situated in someone's bedroom. Nasty stalking laws and all that. There were footsteps clapping closer, but they took a detour into the kitchen. Another exhalation from the cramped quartet.

"We're done for," Minako started moaning, and Rei turned the half-digested jacket on the lamenting blonde.

"I've got a weapon of mass destruction right here, and I'm not afraid to use it! Shut.  _Up_!"

Minako stuck her tongue out at the Fire Senshi. "Now  _you're_  talking... hypocrite!"

"No,  _you_ -"

"For cripes sake! Both of you clamp your jaws down or I will  _make_  them stick!  _Permanently_!" Makoto growled, now taking up Rei's position at the slit. Much to the amusement of the brawny brunette and aqua-haired pedantic, the two termagants ceased their arguing. Rei huffed and joined Makoto at the crack. Minako just pushed herself into the corner with Ami and folded her arms, looking ornery. Her companion patted the blonde's shoulder. Minako pouted a little more for extra dramatic measure.

"To life and peace!" Mamoru was toasting, and the Senshi exchanged surprised glances when Usagi responded similarly. Was their ditzy little leader- innocent Usagi-  _drinking_? It sure seemed that way, however strange the notion...

"Take your time," the Prince followed, confirming their suspicions as the sound of deep gulping resonated into the closet.  _Usagi was_   _drinking!_

"This isn't going to end well," Rei groaned, recalling the multiple instances where they'd had to deal with a tipsy Moon Princess. "Not well at all."

"Well at least Mamoru-san will have to handle her as opposed to us," Minako reasoned.

"He should know better than to give Usagi-chan alcohol," Ami frowned. She blushed when all three pairs of beady eyes flicked to her, almost accusingly. "Er..."

"You still on about underage drinking, girl?" Makoto inquired, shaking her brown ponytail out. "Sweetie, I think you're the only one who's cruised through life totally sober!"

"Don't worry. One of these days we are going to get you  _smashed_ ," Minako grinned, watching as Ami paled drastically and mouthed, "Noooo..."

"Stop scaring the poor thing, Minako-chan," Rei rolled her eyes. "She's going to wet her pants if you even suggest the word 'club'."

"What about 'bar'?" Minako returned, and Ami gave a little wail, burying her face in the pile of jackets.

"That's toxic, Ami-chan. Just breathing in the fumes will knock you out."

"Oh. Right." Ami decided secreting her countenance against the crook of her arm was the next best thing to being suffocated by the worst eyesore in the world. "Now stop being so  _meeeean_!"

"But cruelty is fun," Minako drawled. "I get such a kick out of watching you squirm. Like when I go... 'Baaaaaarrrrr'."

"Eep!"

Rei giggled quietly. "Stripping."

"Umph!" Ami  _was_  apparently trying to suffocate herself now, the way she was pressing her crimson visage against the shirt fabric so desperately. Or... 'suicidally' was perhaps a better assessment.

"Sex."

"Erp!"

"Drugs."

"Mnph!"

"Failed test."

"GAH!" was the muffled response, and Ami shot up from her burrow disheveled and flushing. "Now that was  _low_. My ears are bleeding from all this torture!"

"Eh. Passes the time," Minako shrugged. Makoto suddenly stiffened.

"Mako-chan?"

"Shut up. Really. Something's happening!" she mumbled, scooting away from the slit. What the heck...?

Then the bedroom door burst open.


	9. Break Out the Popcorn

The door ricocheted open, announcing the heated arrival of one Chiba Mamoru and his girlfriend Tsukino Usagi. The pair, utterly entangled in each other's embrace, stumbled inward and collapsed against the bed's siding. Every jaw dropped open in the closet.

"What. The. Fuck," Makoto quipped softly, and every Senshi concurred.

"This had better  _not_ turn into what I think it is," Rei growled almost inaudibly, and Ami just "Eep!"ed pitifully. She'd gone from pale to sickly green in about the space of three seconds. Minako just gawked, shoving her way to the slit. It was a rather sorry display, in Rei's opinion- as much as she wanted to close her eyes and groan about mental scarring, she was spying just as eagerly as her companions. In fact, the crack had become incredibly crowded... even Ami was, reluctantly, trying to see what was going on.

As they say, curiosity killed the cat... but Makoto thought wryly that if Luna were here, it would probably be the opposite. Luna would've killed the curious ebony-headed Prince currently ravishing her charge. Yep, something like that. Usagi let out a low moan and all attention snapped back to the royals.

Mamoru was fumbling at the buttons on their Princess' summer dress, his lips currently vying for control of hers. Usagi was pressed into the mattress by his body, arching in the strong grasp needily. Her fingers were splayed against his chest on one hand, while the other clung desperately to soft raven locks. She issued another thready sound against his mouth and he suddenly responded in kind, beginning to move his hips wildly against hers.

"Oh my God..." Rei choked. "Oh my God, is he  _seriously_ \- little Usagi- I never-"

"No wonder she bailed on us," Ami breathed strainedly. Makoto glanced up at the blunette in concern.

"Ami-chan... are you hyperventilating?"

Ami ignored the brunette, instead covering her mouth in horror when Mamoru's head moved down to nuzzle Usagi's chest. Minako mimed a wolf-whistle.

"This is getting  _hot_! I feel like I'm watching porn," she grinned teethily, giggling... strangely. Rei had to wonder once again about the blonde's sanity. Everyone stared at her.

"What?" Minako asked innocently. "You can't blame a girl for being interested."

"You're worse than I am," Makoto cringed, and Minako graced the brawny teen with her tongue.

"Nah- _uhh_.  _I_  don't go around breaking into people's homes with my criminal lock-picking experience!"

"I. Don't. Lock-pick! I'm not a criminal!" Makoto seethed, but she clamped down her fury when Mamoru looked up, eyes glazed.

"Usako? Did you hear-?"

"No. Now kiss me," Usagi panted, dragging his face back to hers.  _Jeez, girl, when did you get so bold?_  Mamoru shrugged, subject dropped, and his hands went dancing up to the straps of his paramour's dress. There was a pause.

"Usako... are you sure...?"

"Never more sure in my entire life," Usagi gasped, pulling them onto the bed now. "I've waited so long... I'm eighteen now, Mamo-chan... I'm ready."

Four pairs of eyes reeled back from the slit to gaze in terror at each other. Ami made a little sobbing noise.

"They're really going to... and we're stuck here... oh  _God_..."

"Now... now don't panic, Ami-chan," Rei attempted to sooth. "You can just... just... cover your eyes and-"

There was a loud cry from Usagi and a feral, yet husky tone of pleasure from Mamoru. Ami turned beet red. "It won't block the sounds," she uttered miserably.

"Well  _I_ for one am going to enjoy the show. Man, wish we had popcorn," Minako sighed. "... _What_!?"

"You, my friend, are  _sick_ ," Rei told her plainly, and Makoto shook with laughter at how shamelessly blunt Rei was.

"Yeah, even  _I'm_  not that bad!"

Minako glared at the deity of Jupiter. "You keep saying that like you're guilty of something and trying to pin the blame on me!"

Makoto conjured up a rather false display of affrontedness. "I'm telling you, Minako-chan... I'm innocent! I'm a  _virgin_!"

Rei rolled her eyes. "Here we go again with the virginity plea. Mako-chan, you  _are_  getting a little suspicious."

Makoto just grumbled unintelligibly and inched back over to the closet's thin shaft of light. Minako followed suit and Rei teetered on the precipice of indecision. Should she...? But it was so  _wrong_... And Usagi would  _kill_ her- limb by limb, achingly and agonizingly slow- if she ever found out! But... it would be a safe argument to admit that she wanted to protect Usagi, and was therefore watching to... er... ensure her Princess' well-being... right?  _Right_?  _Nothing_ at all to do with a certain horny, hentai desire to glimpse Mamoru's birthday suit and... goods? Rei sighed. She was going to pay for this in the afterlife. No doubt about it. Minako smirked.

"Come to see the show?"

"I'm... just ensuring Usagi's... safety."

" _Yeaaah_ , me too," Makoto added, winking devilishly at Rei. The raven headed priestess blushed. "I mean, I don't want to, but... what the hell are we going to do otherwise? Besides... I wanna know if Mamoru-san really is well-endowed or not. For... Senshi business."

"Psh. You're a bunch of liars. I'll put it nice and simple: Mamoru-san's hot. I want to see a real penis (there were a bunch of snickers at this and coughs begging to differ) and learn a couple tips," Minako threw in as her two cents. "And Mako-chan is right. What else are we gonna do?"

"Yeah!" Makoto nodded. "So... uhh... anyone against it can fuck me!"

Rei gave the girl a very long, very awkward stare. "Please don't ever use that terminology when we are in a situation such as this."

"Yeah! No, I will not fuck you, Mako-chan!" Minako giggled. She received a swap from the crimson Thunder Senshi. "... _WHAT_!? What do I keep doing wrong?"

"I was not implying anything of the sort, you pervert!"

Rei wanted to groan. They all sounded like whores! What was the world coming to? Watching Usagi and Mamoru have sex? Fielding uncomfortable lesbian comments? Dear God, it was time to get out of this closet!  _Now_ , before Ami went comatose in the corner (she seemed bordering), Rei went insane from the hentai images seared into her brain, Makoto started... fucking people... (or was it Minako they should be concerned about?), and Minako drooled all the saliva out of her mouth.

_Dammit Haruka-san..._


	10. Evil Cackling and Phlegm Problems

Usagi thought she was going to die.

So many sensations were rushing through her body. She felt flushed; no...  _on fire_. Every gentle stroke or frantic nibble Mamoru teased her with sent electricity coursing through skin to vein. She gasped as his fingers reached down and played with her sensitive spot, but as soon as the unexpected jolt of pleasure came, his hand was back at her dress straps, dragging the fabric down to her belly. A modest but cute pink bra greeted Mamoru, and he sucked in a breath at the sight of Usagi's pert nipples, straining for attention against the lingerie. Midnight eyes pleaded with the lighter cerulean. Begging, silently, to take it to the next level. With a barely perceptible nod and a tiny blush, Usagi felt the rest of her garments being tugged away.

And suddenly, her breasts were bared for the world to see.

Well, okay... for  _Mamoru_. But his reaction was worth more to her than any lingering embarrassment or strange sense of being watched. Was he impressed? Turned on? Or facing a bitter surprise where his expectations outmatched reality?

Mamoru drank in the sight of Usagi, chest heaving as she battled for enough oxygen, awaiting his approval.

They were... perfect. And not just in the symmetrical sense.

While not as well-endowed as most of her Senshi, Usagi's breasts were a beautiful cream color, and just the right size to send any man's fantasies wandering into the gutter. Tentatively, Mamoru stroked one. It was soft to the touch, almost unbearably. Usagi seemed to jump under his ministrations. Her paramour caressed again. She responded the exact same way; as if being shocked. A husky tone escaped parted red lips, and Mamoru smiled as his little test succeeded. She liked him touching her there... a lot.

"God, Usako... you're so beautiful," he crooned in a groan. And, with a thrill of elation, Mamoru realized she was  _all his_. Luxuriously warm body, flawless chest and all. He grinned toothily, bending the famed ebony head to suckle a breast. Usagi sighed loudly, carding her fingers through his hair. This was heaven, she decided.  _Pure bliss_.

oOo

What was bliss for Usagi was torture for the Inner Senshi.

Of course, 'torture' is a very loose term, at least in this instance.

Two of the closeted ones' number felt ready to barf repeatedly. The miko with raven hair mimed gagging and choking sounds as Usagi moaned and Mamoru licked. The pedantic with short aqua locks rocked back and forth, hiding her face and mumbling unhelpful reassurances about how the ordeal was soon to be over. Obviously, she was unaware that making love could last for quite a few hours, if performed correctly. And Usagi and Mamoru fully intended to make this the best night of their lives.

The other pair- perhaps better labelled 'dirty whores who have nothing better to do than watch their Prince and Princess have sex and get off on it'- sighed... torturously.

"I want a man to do that to  _me_ ," Minako leered, giggling at the visions her mind provided. Images Rei really did  _not_ want to hear aloud... she was quite happy when no elucidation came forward. Let Minako's hentai thoughts remain just that.

"It's the best feeling in the world," Makoto added dreamily, and she started when three faces whirled to interrogate her. "I... what!? I'm... I'm only guessing! L-look at how much noise Usagi-chan's making! Inference, Watson! Inference!"

Momentarily sated, the accusatory eyes- yes, even Ami's- shifted back to the slit. Because horrified, scarred, disgusted and afraid as she was, Ami had a clinical mind. Therefore, innately inquisitive... and curious as hell about subjects unfamiliar to her. Even sex. But if Mamoru lost his pants, Ami swore she'd faint. That was simply  _too much_. Her heart just wouldn't be able to keep up with her breathing, if that was the case. Already, the obvious bulge at his crotch made her countenance burn crimson.

Maybe as crimson as Usagi's visage currently was.

oOo

Mamoru moved from one breast to the other, for it seemed rather unfair if one got more attention than its sister. Usagi was drowning in the motions of his warm tongue, cooing and moaning him onward. Her hands roved over his back, but suddenly just feeling him against her wasn't enough. She wanted  _all_  of him. Ravishing her. Loving her in a way he never had before.

Usagi rested her palm against Mamoru's cheek, then cupped his chin and tilted it up. He sought out her solicitous blue orbs, dizzy and confused. Did she want him to stop...?

"Mamo-chan. Can I...?"

The question lingered in the air, but was continued in the blonde's unsure reach for his shirt buttons. Mamoru understood immediately, and he smirked coyly at her. "Only if I may aid in the disposal of your sundress. I really do want to see the rest of you, unhampered by fabric."

Usagi blushed. "Only for you, my Prince."

Her thin appendages trembled as they endeavored to undo each button. Mamoru, taking pity, laid his callused palm over her fidgety hand and helped the process along. Within minutes, he too was shirtless. Usagi's jaw dropped, but she wasn't the only one who lost control of their mouth.

oOo

Minako let out a low but appreciative whistle. " _Hot damn_ , that guy's got abs! Wonder if he works out along with being Tuxedo Kamen, or...?"

"Eh. Some guys are just born with it. I mean, my old boyfriend,  _wow_... talk about a six pack..." Makoto reminisced.

"Mako-chan, my dear 'virgin'... may I ask  _why_ your boyfriend graced you with the sight of his stomach? Especially since such behavior is limited to places that usually involve a bed or a stripper's pole?" Rei challenged, raising a speculative brow. Makoto frowned at the priestess.

"I dunno about you, but I don't exactly consider pools to be sex clubs."

"Oh. Oh yeah," Rei conceded, turning incarnadine. "Swimming. Yeah. I guess he would show his... yeah. I'm just going to shut up now."  _Crap. Thought I'd cornered her into telling us she's been lying about being a virgin there_.

"Nice try."

 _But I shall persevere! I don't believe you one iota, Kino Makoto!_  Rei swore darkly.  _One of these times you're going to slip up... and little miss innocent Rei-chan will be there when you do! Bwhahaha!_

Makoto rolled her eyes at the weird way Rei was glaring at her. As if she had a  _secret_!  _Ha_!  _Hahahahahaha... ha... ha... Er..._ Makoto cleared her throat awkwardly after the exhausting mental cackling and returned to the porn show- ahhhh, I mean... the witnessing of a terrible mistake! For... for Senshi business! And to protect Usagi! Yeeeah. It was all about saving Usagi. From... um... Mamoru's siren-like ability to woo and entrance... with just his gleaming skin and silky baritone...

Makoto started drooling unconsciously. Consciously, she realized the others were suddenly scooting away from her.

"Eh...? I didn't... fart, did I?"

"Please wipe your mouth, Mako-chan. That's gross."

"Sorry."

Their attention was fast diverted when Usagi let out a sharp exhalation after a suspicious unzipping sound.


	11. And Then There Were Three

Usagi shakily unzipped Mamoru's slacks, very...  _very_... conscious of the fact that he was nearly bulging at the seams. She couldn't help but hyperventilate, realizing that this was the first time she was going to see his- heck, any man's!- member. Mamoru was patient through it all, watching with half-lidded eyes as she eased away his pants and then boxers. In a matter of moments, the garments lay haphazard on the floor and Mamoru was bared to the world.

And standing a good seven or eight inches, tip brushing against Usagi's stomach in newfound freedom.

Usagi couldn't do much else but stare, licking her suddenly parched lips.

oOo

Of course, quite a few other people were staring as well, slack-jawed and equally as breathless... and... horny (coughMinakocough).

Until...

"So... big..." Minako and Makoto drooled.

"Big..." Ami squeaked, from somewhere above the brunette.

THUNK!

"Omigod!" Rei freaked, the words spilling hurriedly from her mouth as she scooted over to Ami. "Ami-chan's fainted!"

Silence...

"Guys, you hear!? Ami-chan's practically catatonic over here!"

...

"Comatose! White as a sheet!"

...

"Seriously?  _Seriously_!?" Rei steamed, glaring at her similarly non-responsive friends... albeit they for quite different reasons, too glued to their "protective spying duty for the Princess' well-being" to be of much aid. Rei growled an expletive, then proceeded to revive Ami. Or, well... tried to, anyway. Ami would've been much better at this, seeing as the highbrow was versed in medical knowledge and all.

But of course,  _she_  had to be the one out cold, right?

oOo

"What are you thinking, Usako?" Mamoru inquired gently, cupping her under the chin. "Are you afraid?"

"No," she murmured.

"I don't want to pressure you into this-"

"No," Usagi countered again. She laid warm palms on his chest. "I'm not afraid."

_More like heart-pounding, head-over-heels in love with you all over again!_

She grinned coyly. "I think it's now your part of the bargain. This dress is  _so_ uncomfortable."

oOo

Rei snorted as Makoto and Minako "ooh"-ed and "aah"-ed at the appropriate moments. Seriously, if the pair didn't shut up soon, Usagi and Mamoru might get suspicious! And how awkward would  _that_ confrontation be, huh? She went back to fanning Ami's pallid countenance ( _no sex for that girl until she turned thirty_!)

"Wow... Mamoru-san's got  _goods_!" Minako squealed.

"More like a seven and a half inch pleasure stick from heaven!" Makoto fairly purred. "Ooh, so hard inside you... thrusting roughly while your bodies mingle hot and sweaty and..."

She stopped to frown at two freshly accusatory Senshi. "Ahahaha... um... must be those romantic novels nowadays, eh? Heh heh heh heh. Wow they're graphic! Hahahaha..."

"Mako-chan, you don't  _read_ romantic novels," Minako reminded her, rolling cerulean orbs. "You told me yourself that you haven't picked up a book for fun since starting high school, because you were so busy with homework!"

"You couldn't be more fake if you proclaimed yourself Queen of Japan, Mako-chan," was Rei's input.

" _Oh_ ,  _right_ , and you two are privy to all I do in my spare time? Maybe... maybe I lied!" Makoto, grasping at flighty straws, protested.

"Oh, so now you're a liar? Gee, I'm starting to reconsider your proclamations of innocence, Pinocchio!" Rei scoffed.  _Bull's eye!_ She stuck her angry visage in the brawny teen's. "Are you  _really_  a virgin? Have you been to jail?"

"What is this, 'Twenty Questions'?" Makoto laughed forcibly. "I'm not on trial for anything here!"

"Answer the question!" Minako cut across her, making her voice gruff and frightening and... awkwardly male.

"I... ah... well, you see... Oh,  _look_! Mamoru and Usagi are about to get it on!" Makoto pointed wildly at the slit. "He's using tongue action!"

Enter bubbly Minako, exit creepy prison warden with a manly baritone. " _What_!? Where? Move! Let me see!"

Makoto visibly relaxed.  _Whew. Close one!_

Then she saw Rei was still glaring bloody murder at her, unmoved by the free pornography show. Oh, if only evil looks contained daggers! She'd be slain on the spot.

_Crap._

oOo

Mamoru paused, hands at Usagi's belly and on the precipice of wrenching away her partly undone sundress. He looked up, gnawing on his lower lip. Even buzzed, the chivalric paladin had reservations...

"Usako... are you  _sure_  you're ready?"

Usagi nearly screamed in frustration, hormones already sky-high and doing a jig in her abdomen. Mamoru's throbbing erection seemed to be mocking her as it dug deep into her thigh. "Mamo-chan, I'm  _ready_! Please, just do it!"

Mamoru grinned wolfishly. "Good... because once I pull this dress down, I'll be too far gone to turn back."

"Then tug away."

And so he did. One almighty shrug later, and Usagi's sundress crumpled to the floor. Mamoru gulped, eyes bugging and breath hitching as gingerly, he slipped white panties away too. Usagi quivered under his keen eyes that were currently drowning in the image of her naked. She blushed, but refused to avert her intense gaze. She couldn't help but realize Mamoru hadn't been fibbing earlier. The man before her seemed taut and suddenly crazed; wild with a feverish passion. His head dipped to trace a swirling pattern of kisses, pecking Usagi's navel; her abdomen... creeping lower...

Usagi inhaled unexpectedly as Mamoru's mouth roved through her dark curls and softly poked his tongue into the wetness between her legs. She arched backward with a shout as his lips went to suck on her most sensitive center. "Oh... oh God, Mamo-chan! That feels so good!"

Lusty midnight twins pinned her own. The chevalier inched his way on top of her, trapping her beneath him with his heavy muscled form. Usagi had to bite her lower lip as he purposefully dragged himself across her slickness. It felt so intimate, so very right, but she still  _needed_ so. Much. More.

"I want you so bad, Tsukino Usagi."

She shivered. "Then take me, Chiba Mamoru. Take me away until I forget everything but you."


	12. Friction Fetish

Needily, Usagi arched to claim Mamoru's lips, parting his mouth with her tongue so she could deepen the kiss. Mamoru responded just as hungrily, hands toying with her nipples. Usagi let loose a feral groan as she nearly floated away on these foreign sensations. After a few seconds of this heaven, the blonde returned to full cogency... and was overcome by a desire to mutualize the pleasure. Awkwardly at first, her fingers inched down to Mamoru's rather large member. Tips brushing the top of his shaft, she almost lost it right there; almost succumbed to the dizziness of love swirling around in her brain. Almost.

The only thing that kept her tethered was the realization that Mamoru had not been as satiated as she. Not yet, at least.

A tremor raced across Mamoru's back as Usagi's nails brushed against his erection. With sudden inspiration and a burst of self-assurance, Usagi cupped her hand around the throbbing appendage, cradling; stroking... Mamoru twitched and moaned under her caress. Gleeful at what utter possession she had over his body, Usagi squeezed and nimbly ducked to peck the shaft's tip. Mamoru watched through fevered midnight depths as her tongue traced little patterns over the most aching part of his anatomy.

oOo

"Hoooly fuck. Usagi-chan's giving Mamoru-san a hand job! A  _hand job_...!" Minako hissed. A strange giggle issued from her lips. "And now she's gonna blow him. Omigawwwd. Looks like Mamoru-san's got a friction fetish..." Makoto fairly pushed the girl over in her haste to catch sight of this oddity, neck craning.

"WHAT!?" she whispered in disbelief, now taking full command of the slit, to the annoyance of Minako and relief of Rei. Unfortunately, irritation burgeoned into something slightly more homicidal as Minako found herself denied the pornography show. Makoto stifled a yelp as something sharp stabbed her ear. She glanced sidelong into the rather, um,  _crazed_  countenance of aforementioned blonde.

"M-Minako-chan... that hurts..."

"Oh, does it?" the Senshi of Love (*scoff* *snicker* *cough*) purred, feigning both ignorance and innocence. She gave Makoto's ear another tug and twist, and the brawny brunette realized with a jolt of horror that her rose earring was the source of the discomfort.

"Minako-chan... quit it, you're- you're gonna accidentally tear my earring off!"

"Accidents happen. Just like the one where you blocked all sight of our Prince and Princess, leaving I to grope in the dark cast by your shadow," Minako continued in the same disconnected, sickly sweet tone. "I'd suggest moving back a little,  _if_  you don't want to lose an ear."

Rei and Makoto just stared, wondering if Minako had always harbored such psychotic tendencies.

They wagered it was a good probability. And that Makoto give the blonde some room before things got ugly, and magical attacks became involved.

The closet of pea green jackets didn't deserve *that* cruel a fate.

...

Not...  _really_...

oOo

"U-Usako," Mamoru croaked after a couple minutes of their latest activity. The odangoed eighteen-year-old paused in her ministrations. "Usako, you have to stop."

"Why?" she asked, glancing up so innocently, so forlornly, that Mamoru nearly rescinded his plea. He could already sense the rejection burning in her heart; the invisible queries swirling in her brain. With a little sigh, Usagi began moving away from his erection, feeling in the wrong. Mamoru's hand snaked out to latch onto her wrist.

"You have to stop because if not, I'm... I'm not going to be able to last much longer," he elucidated, seeking out the bright cerulean eyes to see if Usagi understood. She blushed crimson, nodding.

"Oh."

"I want both of our first times to be experienced properly. As one, inside of each other," he murmured, eyes raging like fiery coals once more. Usagi could feel herself being dazzled and dazed by those dark, passionate orbs. She nodded again, and Mamoru smirked wolfishly. "That doesn't mean we can't tease each other a little first," the ebony-head crooned. It was then his turn to bend, scooting backward until his face was at level with Usagi's groin.

"Open your legs, Usako," Mamoru beckoned gently, and his paramour complied while gasping for breath in anticipation, having already had a taste of this sort of ecstasy. When her flower was parted for Mamoru's countenance, he lent down and nuzzled at her folds. She barely restrained a shriek, inadvertently stretching her muscles further to give Mamoru full access. Her hands found and claimed the white coverlet, fabric captured in a fist that the blonde twisted and kneaded. As she writhed, Mamoru continued to lick; to savor and lap the sweet juices flowing from the opening he would soon place a stake in to call his... forever.

"Oh... oh my God... Mamo-chan..." Usagi choked, tone a mixture of thready and husky. Oxygen... she needed oxygen...

Mamoru gave a quick nip to the sensitive nub of skin that seemed to evoke the most reaction from his future wife. Usagi screamed aloud, legs bucking in an attempt to pull him deeper. Mamoru chuckled when her inner thighs tightened around his ears, tongue retreating back down to the wettest area of secretion in respite. He gave a few more seconds to suckling, but all too soon for Usagi, his mouth was gone and she felt strangely cold; empty.

"Mamo-chan?"

Mamoru gave a lopsided grin at the breathless, yearning quality of Usagi's voice. "Not yet, Usako... wait a little longer..."

The girl fairly growled in frustration. "Enough playing coy, Mamo-chan!"

Mamoru was taken aback when Usagi's legs wrapped around his torso and she yanked him down on top of her. " _Please_ , Mamo-chan... I can't take it anymore..." Mamoru's breath hitched when Usagi began grinding earnestly against his member, their fluids amalgamating hot and slick at the pleasure-inducing friction. Her golden head fell back at the intimate touch, and Mamoru's dropped forward so he could nibble at the exposed and creamy neck so inviting; so perfect...

Usagi moaned at the warm kisses that led up to her eyelids, then down her nose... two lips connected again... She began bucking faster; the friction escalated-  _so good, so good_...

"Usako," Mamoru cried into her hair. "Usako, Usako... oh, I love you..."

"I love you too," the teen whispered in reply, eyes rolling backward and chest heaving; for a brief moment, their nipples met, brushing against each other as intimately as the lower regions of their bodies were. Mamoru's erection ravaged her groin, shaft sliding up and down, up and down in a fluid movement, and then- suddenly- the couple froze.

oOo

"Oh. My. God," Makoto quipped, staring.

"Mother of all that is good in this world," Rei breathed in a moan, half-shielding her eyes. The other half watched on in morbid fascination.

"Go for it!" Minako cheered, invisible popcorn in hand as she drooled, perfectly content now that her spot was reclaimed. Suffice to say, none of the Senshi dared to cross *her* again tonight. Closets do funny things to people stuck in them.

And... Ami just layed there, oblivious and pretty much forgotten.

oOo

Mamoru's penis was now partly lodged in Usagi's vagina, enough that this would be the point of no return should they continue their rocking movements. Usagi bit her lip, increasing the hold she had on Mamoru's shoulders. Fear sent butterflies scattering in her stomach, but the fire in her abdomen refused to be squelched by the tiny flutterings of nervousness. She knew it would hurt. She knew there would be no getting back her virginity. But that was a minuscule price to pay, compared to the gift that she would be giving Mamoru- and he her- once they began the true act of intercourse.

"What are you thinking, Usako?" Mamoru asked softly, alternately petting and stroking her gossamer locks of sunshine. Altruistically, for Mamoru wanted nothing more than to make love with Usagi until morning came, he reminded the girl, "We can still stop now, if you want... there's no need to rush..." The erection, he supposed, would take a good hour in a scalding hot (or perhaps freezing cold, depending on his mood) shower to kill. But, it  _was_  a labor of love, and if in the name of retaining Usagi's innocence for a few years' more, Mamoru wouldn't hesitate.

Luckily, it did not come to that. Usagi reigned in her anxiety, grim determination shining in her cerulean orbs. "Please... do it, Mamo-chan. Just... start slowly, okay?"

"I'll go as slow as you want, Usako." Mamoru seriously wondered if he'd jump off the Tokyo Tower if Usagi ever got the whim to command him so.

... _Probably_ , he realized with a dash of wry humor. Anything for his Princess.

So gingerly he might have been coaxing a thread through needle, Mamoru positioned himself properly and began to ease his length into Usagi. The teen inhaled raggedly, eyes clenched shut as Mamoru searched her visage for signs of cold feet. "Usako... Usako, talk to me..." he pleaded.

oOo

In the closet, the atmosphere became markedly somber. Rei staunched the urge to jump out of hiding and inquire on Usagi's well-being; maybe provide some comfort... but then the image as it would play out sprung to her mind.

_"Usagi, are you alright? That looks really painf- NO, I DID NOT JUST COME OUT OF MAMORU-SAN'S CLOSET; WHAT ARE YOU, BARKING MAD!? Hahahaha... yeah, it does seem suspicious, I- okay, so... maybe I did... BUT I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING, I SWEAR! I- Usagi, it's okay, stop crying, I'm really sor- well, no, I'm not alone, all of us Inners are here... MINAKO-CHAN, GET BACK IN THE CLOSET! Yeesh, sorry about that, she's been kinda weird all night- FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, OF COURSE WE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING! Oh, Ami-chan? Yeah, she's just... um... playing dead... haha fun new game; maybe I'll tell you two about it once you... er... finish up..."_

Yeah, that would go over just *spiffily*.

Haruka was dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead. And Rei took great glee in imagining up scenarios the Inners would force her into to conclude this AWFUL game of Truth or Dare.

Which, by the way, was an activity Rei doubted she would EVER partake in again.

oOo

"It... it hurts a bit," Usagi admitted to her boyfriend, refusing to open her lids just yet as the she rode out the agony in her abdomen stemming from the hymen's tear. "I'm just... I think I need... a few seconds to get used to you."

"As long as it takes," Mamoru swore, the beginnings of regret and sorrow seeping into his system at having caused his angel physical duress. The man had little opportunity to dwell, however, for shortly after Usagi started wiggling in an experimental but very arousing way. She rotated her hips to and fro, and it was requiring all of Mamoru's already waning willpower for him not to start shagging the petite woman senseless then and there.

"Mmm," she sighed. "I... yes, I think... now, start now, Mamo-chan."

"Right," he squawked in a low croak, middle already aflame from her unconsciously sensual squirming. With the patience of a saint, the raven-haired med student began thrusting weakly in and out, still wary of Usagi's fragility. "How's this?"

"Perfect," Usagi answered breathlessly, trying to meet him every time so their motions were in sync. She grit her teeth and attempted an upward grind of her pelvis against his thighs, satisfied when Mamoru made a rough noise in the back of his throat and shuddered. Feeling a little more courageous as the pleasure mounted and pain decreased, Usagi let Mamoru dive all the way in. She noticed the equal felicity and delight plastered on his face. He, on the other hand, endeavored to heighten Usagi's sexual bliss by rubbing up against her sweet spot repeatedly. The man was rewarded with Usagi's indulgent and adorable mews of enjoyment.

The lovers fell into a dance as old as the sea, bodies joining and parting as an inferno blazed in either belly. Usagi's cries gradually burgeoned louder and louder, while Mamoru's grunting proliferated with husky " _Usako!_ "s interspersed.

"Mamo-chan... oh GOD, Mamo-chan, harder!" Usagi hollered, pounding up against him with renewed fervor, the flames licking higher and winding into her veins. Mamoru boosted his momentum, driving Usagi into the mattress with such impetus that the bed shook on its hinges, rattling against the wall. He was probably  _very_  lucky that his apartment was at the top of the building, and his few neighbors were spared the noise by his bed's position by the window.

After all, who wanted an audience during your first time... or any, really?

oOo

Rei was shaken out of dazed horror by a quiet rustling near her knees. She glanced over and gaped with unmistakable surprise.

"A-Ami-chan? You..."

"Rei-chan, waz'hap'nin?" Ami slurred, crawling over to the slit blearily. "I don't... 'member much..."

"No, Ami-chan, DON'T LOOK!"

...Too late. Ami got a spectacular view of their Prince and Princess fucking, and a second glimpse at the very large dick of Chiba Mamoru. The combination sent the blunette back over the edge as her face experienced every hue of the rainbow in five seconds flat.

Which was a lot of colors, Rei discovered. And certainly no small feat!

THUNK!

"Well she's probably out for the count," the priestess muttered, shrugging. Ami's dead weight could stay where it fell, for now. Rei had no desire to drag the comatose figure back into the corner. Loathed as she was to confess it, doing so might cause her to miss... literally... the climax of this, erm, free entertainment. What the hell else would she do?  _Sleep_? With a lullaby that included her best friend shrieking "Harder"?

Rei peeked up at Minako and Makoto, grimacing.

The newly minted whores were grinning like fools, and Minako had a particularly lusty gleam in her eyes. Makoto just nodded appreciatively, mumbling something about, "Yeah, that's the spot, Mamoru-san; women love that... mm-hm, deeper..."

Rei frowned. Whenever they got out of this damn closet, she was going to corner Makoto and threaten bodily combustion if she didn't spill- truthfully- where the hell she learned so much about sex.

And maybe cajole a few pointers out of the brunette too.

oOo

Usagi screamed, the culmination of hers and Mamoru's efforts exploding behind her eyes with a fantastic eruption of light and ecstasy; pure, unadulterated  _ecstasy_...

 _Beautiful_... ran through her half-blinded mind.  _Oh Mamo-chan..._

She could hear Mamoru cumming along with her, riding out his own orgasm with a harsh exclamation of her name. She felt her vaginal muscles spasming, taking on a life of their own as they flexed in time to the waves of pleasure raking her body. And then, as all good things tend to do, the sensation died a slow but wonderful end. Still shivering at the sweet aftereffects, Usagi collapsed against the pillows, Mamoru coming down on top of her just as bonelessly. For a few seconds, the royals did nothing but lay there together and breathe, still twined physically at the hips. Usagi wrapped her arms around Mamoru and tugged him close against her chest, listening to their heartbeats flutter wildly.

"Usako, I love you," Mamoru repeated, for the umpteenth time tonight. "I love you  _so_  much."

"Tell me again," Usagi smiled, reveling in the pronouncement. Mamoru chuckled and complied. He stroked back a loose lock of odango, kissing Usagi's sweaty forehead.

"You are unbelievably, dazzlingly, achingly beautiful."

Usagi blushed, closing her eyes and nuzzling against his cheek. "Don't let me go tonight," she whispered. "I wish- I  _want_ \- you to stay inside of me forever. I want this moment engraved in my heart for all of time."

"I'll stamp it into your very soul, if you desire it," Mamoru murmured huskily, lips grappling at hers upon that promise. "We shall never be apart, ever again. No matter what life throws at us, we cannot be broken. We are one."

 _One_ , Usako thought, deliriously giddy. She settled deeper into the plush behind her head, letting fatigue ensnare the dregs of her weary brain. Mamoru rolled off her but did not pull out just yet. Instead, he gathered the thin figure of his future wife into his arms and watched her drift off to sleep, a tiny smile still brightening her features.

[Senshi: AWWWWWWWWW!]


	13. Full Bladders Make Bad Companions

Minako yawned sleepily, scratching at an itch on her back as she stretched. The closet had become very quiet after Usagi and Mamoru ceased bouncing the bed (the blonde chuckled at her awful use of terminology, but couldn't refute the statement), no one daring to make a peep as the royal couple dozed. It was impossible to tell, for the longest time, whether the pair was actually slumbering or not. Minako hazarded a guess that the blessed snores didn't begin until perhaps an hour later, but time was so twisted in their prison that really, the interim could only have been twenty minutes. None of it mattered much anyway- sometime between the waiting and the comfortable quiescence everyone got a little *too* cozy...

Minako pouted at the sleeping forms of her other comrades (she couldn't quite tell if Ami was unconscious or not anymore), brooding on the unfairness of her situation. She didn't  _want_  to go to bed! It was too cramped in here, and Makoto's legs were splayed across hers in an awkward way, and Rei was twitching, and-

 _Hello_ , what the hell!?

Minako gasped at the sight of midnight blue eyes peering at her-  _directly_  at her- from the crack in the door.

Like... one foot away. She skittered back against the wall and simply stared back, speechless and in shock.

It seemed that without disturbing Usagi, Mamoru had slid off the mattress and was now crouched outside his closet door ( _How long has he been there!?_ Minako wondered dazedly). The frozen warrior of Love licked her lips a few times and then asked hoarsely,

"You knew we were here?"

"The whole time," Mamoru answered, grinning ( _Grinning? Something is definitely wrong with this situation!_ ). He carefully pulled open the closet. Rei made a violent movement at the noise, but didn't wake up. Minako's mouth fell open as the man crawled into the tiny space (which suddenly seemed a hell of a lot smaller... just how many did it fit?) and dragged the door shut behind him. The closet was doused in darkness once more, but now Mamoru's heavy breathing (Darth Vader came quickly to mind) accompanied Minako's... who was suddenly very frightened and creeped out and a whole host of other emotions. Not to mention Mamoru was pressed into her side and he was...

He was...

STILL NAKED!?

"I need to pee," Mamoru's silky baritone purred from out of the abyss, twisting into the blonde almost intimately. She felt a brush of soft skin that only belonged to one part of the anatomy... and it was getting wet; ew, no, _warm_ and wet-

That was it. Minako lost all composure, starting to scream for help from the imposter encroaching upon her personal bubble  _in his birthday suit,_ no less! Threatening urination on her beautiful body! And then, if things weren't odd enough, she too felt an overwhelming desire to go to the bathroom and dang it, that wasn't fair! What secret power did this evil version of Mamoru have that...

That...

" _Minako-chan, wake up_!"

... Rei? Wasn't she out cold just a second ago?

" _Minako-chan_!"

"R-Rei-chan?" Minako opened her eyes to a completely different scene than the one she'd just been inhabiting. Rei's face was towering over her, Ami's foot was in her face, and Makoto was giving her the 'I know something about you that you don't and I'm secretly reveling in not telling you' look...

She hated that look.

Minako sat up as Rei continued admonishing, "Yeesh, you're worse than Usagi... I swear, you snore loud enough to wake the dead, Minako-chan!"

"Well, Ami-chan's still in a coma, so I guess you're wrong on that point, Rei-chan," Makoto joked, jerking her head toward the limp pedantic.

"I... was asleep? So it was just a dream? But it felt so  _real_!" Minako murmured, glancing out the slit- Mamoru's body was protectively curled around Usagi's, as it had always been. She blushed at the sudden revelation, and Makoto snickered.

"Must have been pretty romantic."

"Romantic!?"

"You were muttering Mamoru-san's name over and over. Replaying certain scenes from Usagi's perspective?"

"I'm not a whore like you," Minako glowered, to which a blithe Makoto chuckled.

"Ouch. Aim a little lower, why don't you."

"Actually, Mamoru-san started pissing on me, and... oh crap."

" _Oh crap_!?" Rei quoted. "OH CRAP? Minako-chan, just what the hell did you do this time?"

"You didn't... wet yourself, did you?" Makoto queried, a pained expression in place. Minako shook her head, but her cerulean eyes were wide.

"No... but... if I don't find a toilet, NOW, I'm going to!" she moaned, crossing and uncrossing her legs (which did absolutely nothing to solve her predicament... no wonder she had such a strange dream!). Fuck, why hadn't they thought of this little problem earlier?  _Dammit, Haruka-san! You are SO going to pay for this! I *refuse* to wet my pants!_

Makoto started wringing her hands. "But... can't you hold it?"

"NO!"

"You can't go out there, Minako-chan! That's breaking Haruka-san's rule! And Mamoru-san and Usagi-chan will probably wake up at the noise and then... well, then we're beyond screwed! And even if Usagi-chan lets us live, we'll be forever labelled cowards by the Outers!"

Ironic, the reversal of roles. Minako could have sworn only a few hours ago *she* was the worried one. Funny what desperation did to a person.

"I don't give a fuck about Haruka-san right now, Mako-chan!" Minako hissed through clenched teeth and a clenched groin. It was physically painful holding it in right now...

"I have to agree with Mako-chan here," Rei added, with a sorrowful undertone to her voice. "Loathed as I am to admit it, Mamoru-san is probably a light sleeper." Minako fairly howled in frustration. Makoto raised a brow.

"Stalker, much?"

Rei turned crimson. "It's conjecture!  _Conjecture_!"

"Now you sound like Ami-chan. Poor girl would be proud if she wasn't catatonic in the corner," Makoto giggled. Minako huffed at the way they were ignoring her plight, then stormed (if that's possible in a closet) angrily over to the jacket rack and ripped one down.

"M-Minako-chan...?"

"Fine. You know what?  _Fine_." Minako punctuated each word with a vicious punch to the pea green jacket she stuffed nest-like into the floor. "I  _won't_ leave the damn closet to go the bathroom." Still ensconced in a fit of passion, Minako yanked off her skirt. Rei and Makoto gawked, now *very* concerned about their friend's sanity. It got worse when the panties followed. Rei shielded her eyes while Makoto just stared, either in shock or morbidly amused enough to not turn away.  _The teen really *had* jumped off the deep end..._

She crouched over the rumpled jacket. "I'll just do it here."

"WHAT!? Minako-chan, don't-!"

"We didn't mean-"

The spattering noise was quickly eclipsed by the horrendous smell filling the closet. Rei nearly joined Ami and Makoto choked in horror. Oh God... she really... and on Mamoru's pea green jacket! Wait, that part was okay. But when they still had to call the closet home for the duration of the night!?

Minako sighed in pure bliss as she relieved herself.  _Ah, emptiness..._

And then what she had just done- in public, no less- hit her.

"Oh  _fuck_."


	14. Blackmail and Bolt, Anyone?

"M-M-Minako-chan... did you just do what I think you did?" Rei moaned, peeking through her fingers. Minako merely mouthed incomprehensibly, staring down at her pungent mess nestled in pea green (or should it be called 'pee' green, now?). Makoto snickered.

"Well, I suppose that was one way to show your distaste for them."

"I-I-I..."

"I take it this means no burning party?" Makoto continued, cutting through Minako's ramblings and perfectly at ease with the situation as she turned to Rei. The raven head gaped at her friend.

"As if we haven't desecrated Mamoru-san's belongings enough! Minako-chan just PISSED on his jacket!  _On his jacket_! Do you know what he'll do to us if he finds out? He WORSHIPS those freaks of nature!" Rei exclaimed, and Makoto smacked a hand over her mouth.

"Keep it down, would you? Usagi-chan may be a heavy sleeper, but Mamoru-san just twitched!" the girl hissed, jerking her head toward the slit. "Don't forget where we are." Makoto released Rei gingerly, and the priestess muttered a foul oath under her breath.

"As if I could forget we're holed up in a cramped little closet," she growled in a low, dangerous voice. "Yes, I'm sorry, I'll stop imagining this is my spacious and cozy bedroom, Mako-chan. Or better yet,  _a bathroom to urinate all over_!"

Minako received a deathly glare from Rei's corner of the closet. Corner, because everyone who was not still naked from the waist down had pressed themselves into the wall farthest from the blonde's smelly excrement. The teen blushed, seeming to notice this fact as she wiped herself on a second pea green jacket (Makoto's lips quivered and Rei's forehead vein pulsed sporadically) and shoved her skirt back on. As if realizing she'd just defiled another article of Mamoru's clothing, Minako swore.

"Well it's no use now; wrap it around your... wastes... to minimize the stench," Rei half-snarled, left eye now having tourettes of some sort. Minako grimaced as she carried out the deed, making little gagging noises as she tucked the jackets into a ball and stuffed them into the shadowy depths of the closet. Rei sniffed disparagingly, no sympathy whatsoever for the suffering of her comrade.

"Poor Mamoru-san," Makoto giggled. "His bedroom's going to reek in the morning..."

"Correction- poor  _us_ ," Rei grunted. "You forget we'll be enjoying this closet for a few hours more." Not to mention Minako's malodor...

"You think he'll get suspicious?" Minako spoke up worriedly, coming over to sit beside Ami's passed out form. Rei scooted visibly closer to Makoto.

" _No_ , Minako-chan, of  _course_ not. Mamoru-san is used to his bedroom reeking of piss; he definitely won't want to look for its source," Rei reassured most sarcastically. "You know, your serious lack of judgement may have damned us all;  _congratulations_ on a fantastic display of why blondes are dumb."

Minako got a funny expression on her face as she turned away. "It's not my fault, you know. You two are the ones who wouldn't let me leave. I told you I couldn't hold it!"

"And since when do you listen to  _us_!" Rei cried. Makoto shot her a warning glance and she lowered the volume significantly. "You never  _think_! You can be so daft sometimes, Minako-chan! So  _stupid_!"

"I'm not stupid," Minako whispered brokenly, and suddenly Makoto wasn't smiling anymore. Rei realized she'd gone too far again, letting anger blind her as Minako forlornly crawled her way over to the other corner, facing the wall. Quiescence reigned for a full minute.

"Minako-chan...?"

"I really have nothing to say to you anymore, Rei-chan."

Makoto exchanged a meaningful glance with Rei. The latter twisted her countenance, eyes pleading, but the brunette wouldn't succumb. She wordlessly pointed to Minako and inclined her head, as if coaxing,  _Fix this now, before it's too late!_ Rei ended the silent conversation with a sigh, fielding Ami and approaching Minako hesitantly.

"Minako-chan, I didn't mean what I said. You're not stupid- I am. I always open my big mouth and spew out hypocritical stuff-  _I_ don't think, and I didn't then. I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings," Rei apologized, waiting breathlessly to see how her companion would react. Minako pinned big, watery blue eyes on the eighteen-year-old.

"You... you mean that? Really?"

"Minako-chan, if I've managed  _not_  to kill you after being forced together for a whole night in a tiny closet, I  _must_ mean that," Rei chuckled, starting when Minako threw her arms around her.

"Y-y-you're s-s-such a g-good friend," Minako proclaimed, shoulders shaking.

"Er... I guess so..." Rei acknowledged, patting Minako's back awkwardly. Makoto gave a thumbs-up and wink combination at them from across Ami. Rei smirked at her, inwardly in awe at Minako's powers of forgiveness... so similar to Usagi's, in fact. She suddenly wished she could possess a trait as honorable as that. Life would be so much easier without the millstone fury and grudges produced.

oOo

The night wore on slowly after Rei and Minako's reconciliation. The closet hadn't started to stink yet, but that was probably because Minako- in a burst of inspiration- had decided to wrap (and spoil) yet another green jacket around her bundle for good measure. Of course, it was no loss to the girls, so everyone agreed heartily to save themselves the possibility of discovery. Mamoru would have to buy some more, but then again, he seemed to have an endless supply and perhaps would not notice. Eventually, the closet dwellers had fallen prey to slumber, piled together with Ami's body as a pillow (hey, it's not like she cared).

That is, until an enormous clap of thunder resounded throughout the air, startling more than just our Inners awake.

" _Mamo-chan_!"

"Usako?" Mamoru responded blearily, feeling Usagi tremble against his chest as another round of lightning flecked the sky, illuminating her scared features.

"I hate thunder, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" she sobbed, and Mamoru smiled gently.

"Don't worry; I've got you," he whispered into her ear, stroking the blonde's spine to ease her tremors. "Don't be afraid; I'm here..."

Usagi's shivering slowly decreased as Mamoru continued to murmur nonsense and caress, strong arms tugging her close as the storm raged above them.

"Shh, just go back to sleep; I'll protect you," her chevalier was crooning, and Usagi relaxed. He wouldn't let anything hurt her... she was safe, in his loving grip...

"I love you, Mamo-chan," the Moon Princess sighed against his heart sleepily, before shutting her eyes and melting into his embrace. Within seconds, she was snoring and Mamoru had laid his head back against the pillow.

"That's so cute!" Minako giggled at the exchange, but everyone had fallen back into dreamy oblivion. The teen frowned irritably, settling back down against Ami's neck. "Wouldn't appreciate a romantic encounter if it hit them square in the face..."

oOo

"Get. Up! Get up, get up, _get up_! We overslept!" Rei freaked, shaking Minako and Makoto roughly. Makoto grumbled what sounded like a very ugly profanity while Minako just rolled over with a soft,

"Mmm, elephants... come back... I wanna... pet... pretty snout..."

"NOW!" the priestess hissed, just short of shrieking as she yanked them up by their collars. Sunlight was streaming through the shaft in the door. "Mamoru-san. is. AWAKE! He's in the kitchen getting ready for work and WE HAVEN'T LEFT YET!"

"...what!?" Makoto, finally coming to full awareness with Minako, yelped quietly. "Oh fuck, we should have left already!"

" _Brilliant_ deduction, Watson!" Rei scoffed. "God, we need Ami-chan right now... dammit, she still won't come out of her little coma; I think we're going to have to drag her-"

"Are you suggesting we try and get out  _now_!? With Mamoru-san prancing about his kitchen!?" Minako gasped, floored by the insanity in Rei's opine. "I know you've got cabin, er,  _closet_ -fever, but this is no time to hump the gun!"

"Er, I know there was a lot of that earlier, but I think you mean 'jump'," Makoto inserted with a snicker.

"He's hungover; he won't even notice," Rei answered Minako, waving a nonchalant hand.

"Good point, but I think we should wait until he's gone to work," Makoto put in, listening to the coffee maker brewing. She peeked out the slit and saw that Usagi was gone, bed rumpled but empty.

"Nonsense, now all we have to do is-"

"Shut up and hide!" Makoto interrupted, listening to a pair of footsteps come clacking into the bedroom's vicinity. She lunged into the corner, practically straddling Ami as the others followed suit. The door slid open and the Inners froze, deer-in-headlights expression marring every visage. A hand and half of Mamoru's head leaned in, the former ruffling through his large selection of jackets as no one dared to breathe. He tugged one out, examining the fabric with a keen eye before setting it back and choosing another. His hand seemed to fondle each as it passed by. Ew, jacket molestation! Wasn't there a law against that or something...?

 _Please let it be dark, please let it be dark_ , Rei prayed as Mamoru glanced down the line.  _Let the shadows hide our feet, *please*..._

Apparently, luck favored the Senshi today, because Mamoru paused in his eye sweep and grabbed up a jacket not one foot from the hidden warriors. He pulled it out, grinning. Another jacket slid from its hanger as the moonlighting superhero closed the closet door. Makoto started to disentangle herself from their cluster, but Rei laid a hand on her friend's shoulder.

"Don't move," the Fire Senshi warned, barely audible in the silence. "Hungover or not, Mamoru-san will be back; he can't stand a  _thing_  out of place- believe me, I used to date him..."

She was right. A few seconds later, Mamoru's footsteps returned and the closet door was lurched open again. The man sighed, bending forward and in as he reached for the fallen-

"WHAT THE FUCK!?"

The Senshi gasped as Mamoru's hand grabbed Ami's thigh. He reeled back onto his knees, then stared into the shadows again, only to be met with Minako's hand.

SMACK!

"You pervert!"

"M-M-Minako-san? What the  _fuck_?"

"How dare you touch a girl so close to her privates!"

"Minako-san,  _what_  the  _hell_  are you doing in my closet!?"

"It's an outrage! A scandal!" Minako yelled, covering up for Rei and Makoto's whispered, "Blackmail and bolt, you reckon?" "Mako-chan, that is the most intelligent idea out of your mouth this whole fiasco of a dare."

"Answer me, Minako-san," Mamoru growled, noticing the way she was clearly avoiding the subject.

"Disgusting-"

"ARE ALL OF YOU IN THERE!?" Mamoru suddenly howled, catching sight of a flash of Rei's black hair and Makoto's leg as it shifted. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY CLOSET!? AND  _WHAT_  ARE YOU DOING IN MY CLOSET!?"

"Er..."

"GET OUT! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT, AND EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!"

"Um... what if we'd rather not?" Makoto's little voice issued from out the depths of his pea green sanctuary. The brunette, who before had been complaining of how cramped these quarters were, suddenly felt the dark closet to be a very comfy home. Yes, very lovely indeed. Maybe they could just live here forever?

"Only if Usagi-chan isn't there-" Minako began darkly, but Rei slapped a hand over her mouth when Mamoru gave an enraged roar.

"YOU SAW THAT!"

"Only... a little..."

"YOU SAW THAT!"

"Well, well, it was really dark, and there's only a slit you see-"

"YOU SAW THAT!" Apparently, and rightly so, Mamoru couldn't quite get over the fact that he and Usagi had had an audience during their first time. Makoto grimaced, but Rei stuck her face through the jackets to glare at Mamoru.

"Now see here, Mamoru-san. We now have proof of yours and Usagi's exploits- on film, might I add-"

" _On film_?" Mamoru mouthed in horror, and Rei pinched Minako when the girl started to protest.

"Yes, on film. So if you even  _think_ of telling Usagi about our presence- er, or  _any_  of the Outers, for that matter-"

"Especially Haruka-san!" Minako cut in fiercely, and Mamoru furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Yes, especially Haruka-san- then we the Inners will show this video to all of your friends. And that includes Motoki-san, who we all know would skin you alive for doing his surrogate little sister!"

"Heck, maybe even  _Tsukino Kenji_ will get a... special delivery," Makoto added evilly. She could just hear the absolute terror in Mamoru's voice as he whispered,

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, we would," Rei promised. "Now let us go quietly, and none of us will ever speak of this day again."

"Fine," Mamoru concurred, turning scarlet red as the girls paraded out of his closet one by one, pulling Ami by the arms. Each girl gave him a knowing look that he did not like one bit. "Er, what's wrong with-"

"Ami-chan saw more than she could handle," Minako told him simply, and Mamoru went an even brighter crimson than he was before.

"Um, just... mind the neighbors, would you? Most people don't go dragging girls around like that. We're a respectable apartment complex, and I've a reputation to uphold."

"Fine, fine..." Rei waved, leading their disheveled troupe out into the hallway as she called, "Remember, Mamoru-san! It's allllll on tape!"

They were so close to salvation when-

"Hey, what's that smell- WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE IN MY CLOSET THAT SMELLS LIKE URINE!?"

"RUN!" Rei screamed, helping Makoto to pick up Ami as Minako lunged for the elevator.


	15. Revenge is Best Served Nude

Haruka whistled a jaunty little tune as she hopped up the Hikawa Shrine's steps, flipping her shaggy blonde hair back with an appreciative smirk. She couldn't  _wait_  to hear all the lamentations of her fellow Senshi about last night ("Ohhh Haruka-san, it was awful, we saw Mamoru-san  _changing into his nightclothes_!" "Oh, the horror!" "It was so  _dark_  and  _scary_!"). It seemed they'd been pretty good about averting discovery; Mamoru had been all too cheery as Haruka accosted him on his way to work (which had probably been strange in itself, but hey, the Outer could care less what people thought of her). Either he was damn good at playing the innocent card, or the man really had no clue just what had gone down in his closet last night...

The woman sighed. She had to admit, it might have been more fun had the girls been caught... Oh well. She hoped the experience had been scarring, at the very least (*evil, maniacal grin*).

"Hey, Rei-san!" Haruka called as she ascended the final step, waving to the aforementioned teen, who was wearing her white and red priestess robes as well as an ornery countenance. The girl with raven hair paused in her sweeping to glare at Haruka as she approached. "Ooh, someone doesn't look too happy to see me."

"Like hell I'm not!" Rei exclaimed, brandishing her broom like a sword. "You best keep your distance today, Tenoh Haruka, or I'll sic Phobos and Deimos on you! They're pretty damn accurate when it comes to clawing a person's eyeballs out!"

Haruka, not daunted in the slightest, merely chuckled. "I take it the dare went... unsatisfactorily?"

"Unsatis... UNSATISFACTORILY!? WE HAD TO SIT THROUGH USAGI AND MAMORU-SAN  _FUCKING_! TELL ME WHAT EXACTLY COULD BE SATISFACTORY IN  _THAT_!"

Haruka froze. "You- she- he... but... but..."

"I CAN NEVER LOOK AT THE TWO OF THEM THE SAME WAY, EVER AGAIN!" Rei howled, advancing on Haruka with the broom dangerously aloft. The blonde nervously backed away, hands held palm-up in acquiescence.

"N-now... now... surely  _some_  good came out of your captivity... Deeper friendship? Spiritual enlightenment?  _An appreciation for personal space!_?"

"OH, QUITE!" Rei, still shouting, intoned sarcastically. "MINAKO-CHAN'S GONE CERTIFIABLY INSANE DUE TO EXCESSIVE PORNOGRAPHIC IMAGES, MAKO-CHAN'S DEVELOPED SOME PERVERTED FETISH  _AND_ SHE'S HARBORING DELINQUENT SECRETS, AND AMI-CHAN'S IN A FRIGGING COMA!  _A COMA_!" The ebony-headed girl gestured wildly toward her bedroom, and Haruka took that to mean that the Senshi were housing poor catatonic Ami there. Unfortunately, the racing prodigy didn't have much time to ponder this new and concerning development before homicidal Rei started pummeling her with a flea-infested instrument of mass destruction.

"O-ow, dammit, Rei-san! I had nothing to do with that!"

"YOU DARED US...!"

"It's not like I  _asked_ Koneko-chan to go fuck Mamoru-san last night! You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time!"

Rei seemed to collect herself at this. She patted down her disheveled hair and cleared her throat awkwardly. "Um... right. Yeah. Er, sorry. So... won't you come inside?"

Haruka stared.

"Oh, for heaven's sake! I promise I won't hit you with the broom anymore! Besides, Mako-chan, Minako-chan, and Michiru-san are sitting inside with Ami-chan... and we still have to discuss our end of the bargain."

" _Your_  end?"

"Surely you haven't forgotten we get to dare you and Michiru-san? That  _is_  the point of this meeting, isn't it? Don't worry... the Inners and I had  _plenty_  of time to talk revenge last night."

"Shit."

oOo

"You're late."

Haruka winced at Michiru's light scold as she gingerly entered Rei's crowded bedroom. "Fashionably. It's the best kind."

"I wouldn't call walking in with bits of straw and dirt in your hair 'fashionable', dear."

"Er, that's my fault. I sort of, um-"

" _Mauled_  me upon arrival?"

"Jumped the gun," Rei corrected, giving the woman an apologetic smile that Haruka didn't reciprocate.

"Well, I think grungy is a good look for Haruka-san," a pleasant voice opined, and everyone whirled toward the bed.

" _Ami-chan_!"

"You're  _alive_!"

"Regrettably," the blue-haired erudite grimaced, touching her temple. "I feel like I've been dragged by my arms and legs for miles. And my head is  _killing_  me!"

No one decided to comment.

"What's going on?" Ami finally inquired, after taking stock of the various aches and pains afflicting her body.

"It's our turn to... ah,  _punish_... Haruka-san and Michiru-san," Makoto answered, rubbing her hands together excitedly. "But there's a catch- we Inners have agreed that, due to the unfortunate circumstances which befell us last night,  _each_  of us gets to add to the overall dare. It's only fair after enduring a torture of that sort."

"WHAT!? THAT WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN-"

"Haruka," Michiru cut in, "Shut up. I've already agreed."

"HOW COULD YOU MAKE A DECISION LIKE THAT WITHOUT ME!?"

"As I recall it, you were 'fashionably' late."

The warrior of wind pursed her lips, resisting rebuttal. If Michiru was anything, it was that she was always right. Rei took up where Makoto left off. "Now that Ami-chan's awake, it appears we can begin. I'll go first."

Haruka waited with bated breath as the priestess paused for dramatic effect.

"Haruka-san, I dare you and Michiru-san to attend your next racing match...  _nude_."

"...NUDE!? I CAN'T RACE FUCKING  _NUDE_! I'M A  _CELEBRITY_! IT'LL END UP POSTED ON EVERY FRIGGING MAGAZINE AND NEWSPAPER OUT THERE!"

"A dare's a dare, Haruka-san," Minako shrugged, blue eyes gleaming with mirth and anticipation. "Michiru-san doesn't seem to care that much."

"SHE'S NOT THE ONE RACING NUDE!"

"I'm somewhat of a star as well, Haruka," Michiru reminded her partner sternly. "I'm just vastly more mature than yourself and therefore have accepted that making a huge fuss will get me nowhere."

"Don't you care about the reputation you have to uphold!?" Haruka nearly wailed, but with mercifully less volume.

"No," Michiru said simply, smiling now. "And I don't recall you ever caring either, even when we outed to the paparazzi that we were lovers."

"But this is different," the blonde sobbed. "I don't want to ride naked on my motorbike. It's  _uncomfortable_!"

"You mean you've done it before?" Ami asked in an odd voice.

Haruka didn't answer. Instead, she buried her face in her arms on the table.

"I'm  _fucked_."

"And we're not even done the dare yet," Rei laughed cheerfully, to which Haruka bestowed an ugly glare in her direction. "Minako-chan?"

Minako released an evil cackle. "My dare is very fitting. You and Michiru-san must, after the race and without donning clothing, spend the night in Tsukino Kenji and Tsukino Ikuko's closet."

Suddenly, Haruka wasn't the only one having a breakdown.

"USAGI-SAN'S PARENTS!?" Michiru exclaimed, eyes wide. "...NAKED!?"

"Oh, and we personally don't mind if you get caught. Really, we don't. Mako-chan?"

"Michiru-san, Haruka-san, I then dare you to enter Mamoru-san's apartment complex (you may have clothes this time) and take a... erm... * _special* elevator ride_." Makoto paused as she choked on giggles, the other Senshi reacting similarly as they relished in the horror displayed on both Michiru and Haruka's visages.

"You wouldn't..." the latter, aghast, murmured.

"Dear God, what have we  _done_?" Michiru moaned. "No- what has that  _closet_  done to you!?"

"You are  _sick_. Evil. Twisted.  _Dirty_. I know exactly what you are implying, and we will  _not_ be doing it!" Haruka said hysterically.

"Would you just hear me out?" Makoto, still leering forebodingly, continued. "Whilst in that elevator, I want you two to make out. Haruka-san... seeing as the closet was all your idea,  _you_  get to be the one to fake an orgasm. We followed through with our part of the dare... now you have to do the same! Or are you a  _coward_?"

Haruka looked positively green. She turned to Michiru, asking wildly but with utter seriousness, "The dreaded Silence isn't such a bad end for the world, is it? I mean, hey, maybe we can track down Pharaoh 90; I bet Hotaru's father knows... well, after he gets over his amnesia, but we can rectify that, right? Hell, maybe we can find good ol' Chaos while we're at it! If we're going to allow evil to invade earth tomorrow, why not invite everybody?"

"Haruka, I really hate it when you joke with such morbid passion," Michiru frowned, turning to Ami and sighing, "Ami-san, we await the final bidding."

"Just... take mercy," Haruka pleaded.

Ami seemed to contemplate for a few seconds, then smiled warmly. "I dare you to eat grass."

All the Senshi except Haruka and Michiru groaned loudly. "Leave it to Ami-chan for the anti-climactic dares!"

Haruka laughed in relief, tears of joy shining in her eyes as she opened her arms. "God, Ami-san, I think I could kiss you right now! C'mere so I can give you a great, big-"

"Eep!"

THUNK!

"...hug?" Haruka gaped with confusion at the now limp form of Ami, draped awkwardly over the pillow. "Um... what did I say?"

"You said 'big', that's what," Makoto, shaking her head in exasperation, explained. "I wouldn't suggest using that word around her for the next, oh, twenty years? At least until the shock of seeing male genitalia when aroused wears off."

"Er... right."

oOo

That night...

Haruka sat in a darkened office, currently appraising the phone with intense concentration. Brow furrowed, fingers tapping incessantly, and feet fidgeting, she seemed on the brink of some terribly important decision. Until-

"Hotaru? ...Firefly?"

"Yes, Haruka-papa?" the voice of a flustered and otherwise occupied preteen called back, television muffling her reply.

"What's your father's phone number?"

**~THE END~**

* * *

Author's Note: It's been fun, guys xD I'm going to miss the crazy mishaps of this story! Here's one last HUZZAH before I depart ^_^

**The AU "Deleted Scene", in which the Inners DID bring a camera and the evidence "accidentally" got back to Tsukino Kenji... heh heh heh... I like to call it "Daddy on a Rampage"! Theme it like a scene from a horror movie...**

 

> "Mamo-chan, GET OUT OF THERE!  _He's_  coming! And he  _knows_!" Usagi's voice screamed into the receiver. Mamoru froze, blood pumping wildly. His heart thumped like a frantic drumbeat, making the college student fight off a wave of dizziness.
> 
> "But how, I-"
> 
> "I dunno, he got some pictures or a video or... or  _something_  at work; I don't know who could have-"
> 
> "I have a pretty good idea," Mamoru growled through gritted teeth, fingers clenching in homicidal rage around the phone.
> 
> " _Whatever_ ; that's not the point! The point is that  _my father_  is coming to  _your apartment_  with a  _loaded shotgun_!"
> 
> "Oh hell, Usako-"
> 
> "JUST RUN!" Usagi howled again, slamming down the phone before he could protest anymore. Not that the man was sure he even could... his throat was closing up; palms going sweaty...  _This is it, Chiba. Not exactly going out in a blaze of glory, ten Negascum joining you, eh? No, death by Daddy on a Rampage, for daring to deflower his daughter..._
> 
> *DING-DONG!*
> 
> "OH FUCK, he's HERE!" Mamoru wasted about a second's thought before hurling his body out the window and off the balcony- hey, if he was going to die, might as well do it in style! Although... this was rather frightening... The ground was coming up to meet him  _very_ fast... Ouch, pavement? Damn, this was going to hurt. Mamoru scrunched up his eyes.
> 
> _I love you forever, Usako! But your father just scares me shitless!_
> 
> Meanwhile, outside Chiba Mamoru's apartment...
> 
> *DING-DONG!*
> 
> "Chiba-san? Chiba-san! I've got the pizza you ordered!"
> 
> *DING-DONG!*
> 
> "Chiba-san...? Aw, damn, don't tell me the guy's out... Fuck service! I'm hungry. Pepperoni sounds good, I think I'll- say, who's moaning on the elevator? (* _Ding!_ *) Sounds like... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"
> 
> Meanwhile, in a broken, battered, bloody, painful heap on hot pavement under the equally as scorching afternoon sun...
> 
> "Fancy meeting you here, Chiba Mamoru," Tsukino Kenji spat, staring down at his mangled prey from the barrel of a shotgun. "It's too bad my judgement's shot due to lack of sleep... strange, naked women in my closet last night and all that... Pity I haven't much sympathy for the college student who KNOCKED UP MY BABY."
> 
> "...Well this is just fucking ironic."
> 
> **FIN!**

Hee hee! I too needed to go out in a blaze of glory ;) PLEASE REVIEW!


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